Children-Our Legacy

OK, I admit this is a questionable photo of my son and me. DCF might want to investigate my readiness to adequately raise a child according to the rules and morals of our western culture. At the time, the bottle was a great pacifier. Notice it wasn't tipped to allow him a sip. Regardless, my son has grown into a highly responsible and highly regarded young man of 21 years old. My husband and I did something right to ensure that. We were given a blank canvas when he was born, a composite of human "clay" that was perfect, and it was up to us to fashion that "human clay" into a polite, intelligent, and vibrant person who would contribute to society.

But, how do you do that effectively when you are going through personal and marital challenges, compounded by the demands of the outside world? When you are out in the world to make a name for yourself, and also inside a marriage as you learn to get along with another person who has quirky needs, how do you deal with that pressure, all the while ensuring that your child grow into a responsible and loving individual?

I always thought that motherhood (and fatherhood) brings out the best and worst in a person. I recall one horrible week when Arthur was in the midst of the Terrible Twos. Every day had been a battle, and this child who was always happy and agreeable had transformed into a small beast that growled and stomped and tantrummed. One day, I was pushed to The Edge. The edge that some people cross where they cause harm to their child's body and soul. It scared the hell out of me. As I sat on the floor next to him, both of us crying in pain and frustration, it dawned on me that no matter how educated or rich I was, I was reduced to the barest minimum of a human being. Thank God I had the sanity and strength of self to not cross that line. It made me think twice about how lucky my upbringing was so that I could separate Arthur from his behavior, and figure out how to get us both out of that horrible place.

As children, we're supposed to honor our parents, but what does it say about parents taking care of their children? What happens when parents neglect the physical and emotional health of their children, due to personal inadequacies which prevent them from thinking straight? I read an article about a teenager whose mother has cerebral palsy and whose father has developmental disabilities, but is otherwise functional. She has managed to graduate high school, yet still is able to take care of her parents, with whom she shares an incredibly close and rich relationship. The three of them have overcome major personal difficulties, and the parents were able to raise a wonderful, giving young woman who is planning to go on to college and become a teacher.

Our children teach us to be better than we think we can be. They also remind us of our failings. We can be better human beings when we take our parenting seriously. It is imperative for us as grown-ups to prepare our progeny the best way we can, as they are our future leaders. I find that in addition to all the activities we engage in together, it's in the quiet times before bed, or eating breakfast together, where we can pass on nuggets of wisdom. It's also in the way I treat my spouse that best shows my son how to get along with another person, even if we are in conflict. We shouldn't shelter our children from the consequences of our and their actions as we interact with life around us, for these are the life lessons they will require as they become adults. Our children are not our possessions; they are on loan to us, and it's our responsibility to them to show them how to be in the world.

You can get great parents who raise bad children, and you can get bad parents whose children demonstrate remarkable resilience and develop into giving and happy adults. We can do only the best we can in the moment. We are going to do something to our kids that will result in some scar tissue within them, but that's how they grow. If your parents' behavior resulted in some wound you can't seem to recover from, seek help. You'll be a better person for it, and a better parent. Mistakes are good, that's how we learn. But own up to them, be a model for your kids, and become more of who you were put on this earth to be. That is the legacy you can pass on to your children.