Another Year Bites the Dust.... (soon)

This is an amazing sunrise viewed outside my back door. One thing about living in coastal California that I have come to appreciate is the weather. Specifically, the stormy weather we sometimes receive, and its aftereffects. This last week was such a storm, a record-setter in fact. I don't have official numbers, but I think we got as much rain in a week as we normally get in a year. Back east, this would be something that happens practically every weekend!

The roads here are basically storm drains. They channel water away from hillsides and structures. If anyone saw video from Laguna Beach, you know of what I write. The muddy run-off water from Laguna Canyon was running straight down the main drags into the ocean, stronger than the waves coming in off the Pacific. Roads built for this purpose are not ones to be driven upon, but that is what Californians do. How else will they get to work, and in this case, being the week before Christmas, to the malls? I, myself, had a couple of torturous experiences in California traffic this week. But, with all that behind me, it's time to move on.

The good thing about rain is that it provides us with free water. I shut off my irrigation system about two months ago. Not that I use much water in the first place. In addition to the free stuff falling from the sky, we also get these incredible cloud formations. When the sun rises or sets, the sky produces the perfect canvas for Mother Nature's sculptured paintings. Their constantly changing form and colors will leave you awe-inspired, amazed, and totally thankful for your life.

There is a curious phenomemon out here that I have viewed, and also have participated in. It is taking pictures of the sunset. Clouds make the resulting picture more artistically composed, in my opinion, as they give the photo depth, height, and interest. Sure, the sun setting over Catalina Island does look nifty in a clear sky, but a photo taken with more varied and ever-changing colors and shapes adds a sense of uniqueness and a feeling of "I'll never see this again, it's a special moment." However, viewing a sunrise takes preparation or maybe some luck. If you have to get up to go to work early in the morning, sunrises are nothing new. If, however, you are not necessarily an early riser and something gets you up before the sun, you have been blessed with a rare opportunity to catch a scene such as that captured above. I have been on retreats where the sunrise was too important to miss, and was always rewarded with a surprise. One year, I saw a deer dancing in a field. Another year, I saw it rise over high desert mountains. Any way it happens, it will get your attention.

As I grow to be ever-inspired by my life out here, I invite you to see what inspires you in your life. As I contemplate the end of another year of my existence at this point in history, I reflect upon the births and deaths that occured this year. Two events that come to mind involve some very close friends that I have had the privilege to come to know since moving here. One couple gave birth earlier this year, the other couple just lost their beloved fur-kid. One a very happy and joyous occasion, and the other one is very sad. My heart fills up when I think of either event, and I realize that I can't have one without the other. I wouldn't know happiness if I didn't know sadness, suffering, and pain. And I wouldn't know sadness if I didn't have the joyous moments that make up my life, too.

For Clara, you are a special girl. May you grow into a beautiful and compassionate woman. For Sundance, you brightened many people's lives and gave much pleasure and laughter. May you find all your friends over the Rainbow Bridge.

Over and out. for now.

Self Reflection

Hitbodedut is the art of looking within one's deepest self, contemplating what is discovered, and continuing on the journey in a state of higher enlightenment. Unlike Narcissus's superficial consideration of his "self," the self-reflection of Hitbodedut goes deeper, into the dark muddiness we carry around inside of us. This "rest stop" along our journey can be fraught with fear, confusion, even shame. We need to summon our courage to peel away those layers to get to the heart of the matter.

In my counseling practice, it was important to provide a safe and non-judgmental place where this often painful process could unfold. That's why it's vitally important that we each do that with our selves when we venture into those mysterious, musty corners. To be non-judgmental and realize that we did the best we could at that moment in time. Hindsight is where we figure out what we could've done better, but that kind of realization only comes with experience, so we can't blame ourselves if we didn't act or think a certain way at a certain time in our lives. If we can make sense of things and come to peace with what's happened in our lives, it can only help us be more "whole" and more integrated. Wiser. To break unhelpful patterns and detrimental ways of thinking about ourselves and the world.

Be kind and gentle with your self this week, and with each other. I know I need to be.

I've known "something" is up, since my body has been sending out all kinds of signals lately. Tonight, as I walked the dog (I desperately needed to get some fresh air, after being cooped up in an office the last 2 days), I felt a nudge which succeeded in pushing me down. Fortunately, it was a gentle nudge, and other than dirty pants, I fell fairly gracefully and don't believe I sustained any extensive injuries. At my age, I know I need to be more careful! I've been nudged several times in my life. Some nudges were more gentle and beautiful--such as when I went walking at sunrise at a retreat many years ago, and stopped to look at distant hills when my head was "re-positioned" by an invisible hand and I witnessed a deer literally cavorting in a field! Other times have been quite painful and I am still suffering from the effects!

So, as I sit down tonight to contemplate what's poking me for attention, I hope you will take some time this week to do some hitbodedut yourself. If you would like an ear, I am available, or just contact a trusted friend or family member. We're all here to help each other, to listen with the "ear" in our h-ear-ts. Shabbat shalom, and my you have moments of light this week.

p.s. in case you're wondering about the photo up top, it's from the elevator of the Standard hotel in New York's West Side, near the new elevated walkway. I was there several weeks ago, and had a blast. I love NY! (not the Yankees, but the city!). If you're there, please check out the new walkway (what a creative way to keep a bit of history and make it totally current for today). As a budding horticulturist, I appreciated the use of grasses and native trees, and the way the whole area comes together harmoniously along with the joy and beauty it gives to the city. The hotel was a kick! A disco pool at the almost-rooftop bar, and baby hot tubs, fake grass and comfy seating up on top. Plus, a killer view of the city and the Statue of Liberty. The place was packed on a hot late-summer Sunday afternoon. The video in the darkened elevator was a sort of acid trippy psychedelically colorful version of Dante's Inferno, constantly playing scenes of the darkness and light of life's events. Perfect for this blog entry!

So Happy It's Friday....

When you feel ready to crack, what do you do? Where do you go? How do your actions help you understand the patterns in your life? Do you react to stress in effective ways? Or do you let it build up until you explode with rage/pain/anger/sadness/distrust/imbalance? When do you know you're getting close to the boiling point? Do you take steps to alleviate the pressure? If not, what happens to get you into that TNT-moment?

In many ways, we are being pulled in so many different directions. We multi-task, we are over-involved with the world around us (think media overdose), and we don't give ourselves the permission to take a break. To enjoy a slow meal with the family. To talk about the day with each other, to laugh with each other. We don't give ourselves quiet time to think, or read a nice book, or make something with our hands. Or tend a garden. No wonder why time feels as if it is spinning too quickly.

This week, please take some time for yourself, if you don't already do that. Take just 5 minutes a day, all to yourself. Go sit outside and listen to the birds, enjoying a drink of water, or tea. or wine. whatever works for you. Inhale, exhale, slowly filling your body with air. Give yourself permission to let go for just a little while. Explore every one of your senses, and observe what you sense. That's all. Just five minutes.

Hello, is anybody out there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it's been 3 months. Had lots of stuff wandering through my synapses, but nothing that prodded me to sit and write it here. Part of that stemming from old insecurities and that damn incessant audio tape that tells me over and over that no one pays attention to what I have to say, and even if they do, is what I say really helpful?

Of course, we all have a valid voice, that's what I tell myself to counteract and disprove my old worn-out belief. I know that what I say matters. We all need a pat on the back now and then, not so much from others (though that is encouraging), but from ourselves. Most of us are too hard on ourselves, yours truly included. We forget that we are each a sacred being, and all part of a wider universe. All our energies are connected and interdependent. In Kaballah, since we all contain a piece of the Sacred Essence, which also contains a piece of each of us, we truly are all connected.

If that is the case, why are we all trying to destroy each other and the places in which we live?

Why do we interfere with the order of things with our "seemingly superior" intelligence?

What makes us think and act as if we own this world, and can "control" and understand everything about it?

Why are we all so arrogant about who should have control over the "lesser ones"? Each group believes they have The Answer. But, every solution has a higher price to be paid by certain segments in our society. The most powerful have the most money, the loudest voices, the most influence. There's always going to be someone on top, subjugating those below.

How do we truly and honestly "teach a person to fish?" Our culture has changed. Intsead of taking the time to pass on certain skills to empower others, we just give shit out. We encourage weakness and dependence, and we disable the best in each other. People don't have a chance to realize what they can do to improve their lives. We take the easy way out. Except, we lose something in the process. We lose the connection to each other. We used to know our neighbors. We used to be able to leave our doors unlocked. The world was less life-threatening in many ways.

Sure, we didn't have the technology to deal with lots of things: disease, illness, ways of getting more things done with greater efficiency. And we didn't have instant communication with people across the world. While these developments have certainly taken us out of the "dark ages" and is certainly a testament to our creativity and brain power, there is a huge price to be paid in terms of our survivability as a species.

We are more callous with each other. Instead of seeing each other face to face, we face a computer screen. It's alot different when we can watch each other's expressions and see our effect on each other. We don't have as much respect, or responsibility. People are "victimized" and need/are entitled to some sort of "compensation" for their "pain". Some of these cases are truly tragic: children are molested and/or killed, animals and elderly are tortured, the list of assaults is long. What sane group of supposedly superior beings kills their own kind? Disrespects elders? Assaults those who cannot defend themselves? Animals do that... and we're supposed to be stewards of this universe? WTF???

I know this sounds negative and discouraging, because when I witness the lack of compassion and its effects on each other, it makes me mad. It spurs me into action to do something good. Give someone a hug, a smile, say a kind word or two. I do my best to pass on something of beauty rather than something of destruction. Not that I don't swear at the stupid driver that almost hit me, calling him/her some manner of unfavorable and uncomplimentary names... if only we would all just pay more attention to what is going on around us in the moment, maybe there would be less pain in the world... and fewer stupid drivers.

To Batya

It is nearing sunset, the Shekhinah is about to descend, when we let go of the real world for a time, to enter our deepest selves. To connect with some larger force that helps us be better human beings.

I've known this certain woman for several years. We met in cyberspace on my long distance healing prayer list, and even spoke on the phone once or twice. We never did get the opportunity to meet in person, but we kept in touch. I knew she was ill, and it was touch and go for awhile. Things were going well, and I realized a few months ago that I hadn't heard from her in quite awhile. Fearing the worst, I sent emails. Up until a few weeks ago, they didn't get bounced back. I now began to realize that she must have passed away, and I had no way of really knowing, since I'd had no contact with anyone in her family or anyone who knew her from the prayer list. At work today, it was pretty slow, and my mind began to wander. I googled her name, and the first thing to come up was a wonderful article in a local newspaper about her passing. She was a real activist in the city where she lived and worked, and well-respected by all her knew her.

Batya's yahrzeit is coming up, and I'd like to honor her somehow. It feels kind of weird to want to write her husband a short note, but I want for him to know that she touched another soul, many miles away. So, then, with her life passing like a soft, quiet, but deep and wise wave, I'd like to offer an opportunity for each of us to focus on what truly matters in this world: each other. We have a responsibility to each other to be stewards for one another, and for the place in which we live. This doesn't mean sowing seeds of enmity and out-of-control power and ego. There is so much hatred and venom present in the world today, we need to be on hyper-alert towards its effects.

Rather than separating the "haves" from the "have-nots" -- and that's with anything that is esteemed in our culture, from large screen tvs to smart phones to fake boobs to no wrinkles -- we need to do away with classifications that shackle people into certain groups. You're gonna be rich, or not. You're gonna be successful, or not. You're gonna be loved, or not. Hey, we all don't have the benefit of a "perfect" life; some of us are starving, some of us can't get the help we need to honestly get back on our feet, some of us are ill and suffering. Some of us are even near death. Or, maybe even rebirth.


The world feels splintered in many ways. Jagged, deep schisms exist between all the humans on this planet. Tower of Babel is right. Why? Why are we all yelling at each other? Why are we all trying to control each other? What are we attempting to accomplish? It should be Wisdom, Trust, and Truth. Instead, it's a bunch of DISses.... DIS-respect for each other, DIS-ease, DIS-trust, and DIS-connect.

We have the responsibility to repair this world, that is why we are here. In what ways do we contribute to the betterment of this universe? It can be anything as small as rescuing the wayward spider or lizard, and putting it back outside where it belongs, to flying halfway across the world to help in the repair of a child's deformity, to being an honest business person and helping people procure whatever it is they need to get along in their lives. We all give something back as thanks for the gift of life. Perhaps, our contribution is something we can focus on. What we give of our energy and time, which ultimately is a finite quantity, so we'd better give it all we've got.

Come to peace about ourselves. Find what makes us want to get up in the morning. Come to terms with what we can change, and what we have to leave alone. What compromises are ok to make, and which ones are just way too depersonalizing, and making a choice to do what is right.

Thank you, Batya, for your courage, your joy, and your love. You are missed very much. Your memory is truly a blessing.

Connecting with Wholeness

This week, I'm thinking about how I make this world a better place. As Jewish people, we are obligated to repair the world; how we carry that out is our contribution to the universe, and our gift from God.

How we serve, and repair the world, connects us to each other in many ways, shapes, and patterns. We connect with other living beings in our lives, whether in cyber space or in the physical world, in our roles as partner, worker, child/parent, friend, etc. Each of these connections teaches us about a different facet of ourselves. How we respond to each other also tells us if we are being honest with ourselves and each other. That is, do we embrace opportunities, or do we make excuses? Are we being whole and unified? Are we living a life with integrity? Are we treating each other respectfully? Do we treat ourselves with respect?

In the Talmud, it is said that "Because of me the universe was created." What is it about you that is so unique that only you can offer it to the universe? Do you offer this gift with your whole self, or with a splintered part of yourself? If we can't be honest about ourselves inside us, there is no way we can be honest about ourselves in our relationships to each other. Where inside ourselves do we feel splintered, and can we take the part of our self that is whole to help heal the broken parts? If we can't do it alone, maybe we can find a trusted, objective person to help us. Oftentimes, the hurting part takes up most of our vision, so that it's really difficult to see beyond it to the parts inside us that our whole.

We owe it to ourselves, and the universe, to become as whole as we can, as integrated as we can, in order to give our best self to the wider world. HaShem has given us a most unique gift of life, and we need to be co-creators to take this energy and make a mark upon this world.

Yearning for Simple

A seemingly insignificant event occured today that got me thinking. I was contemplating how to fill up my hot pot with filtered water from the fridge vs. plain water from the faucet. It's a pain to put water in, as the lid doesn't open widely enough to fit under the dispenser in the fridge door. I usually just put it under the tap in the sink. Convenience vs. taking time to put in better quality water. As I contemplated how I wanted to solve this dilemma, I spied my gorgeous, green Majolica flower pitcher. Shopping in an antique store with some old friends, I came around the corner after searching all over to see if there was a treasure to be found. In the glass case at about eye level stood this vision of luscious fecundity. Glowing in its glossy cabbage-green carved surface were gobs of flowers, vines, and leaves, all intertwined. It spoke to me.

I took the pitcher from its high perch in my kitchen. We live where there are earthquakes, so it's asking for trouble to keep it up there, but so far, so good. May we never get one that knocks it out of its aerie. [I send prayers to the victims in Haiti, may the world help them to get back on their feet, and to rebuild a better place to live.] As I gathered water in the vessel, the light went off in my head. A-ha! Here I stand, at this point in history, performing the rather simple task of getting some water to drink. It wasn't always that simple. In some places in the world, it still isn't. Technology has made it so I don't have to go to the well to gather the water I need.

Depending on when humans have existed on this planet, we've had to go from depending upon Mother Nature and the weather for our water and food and shelter, to being able to drive down the street a couple of miles to buy groceries, and stand with a pitcher in one's kitchen to get water. To most of us in the western world, that's the extent of our procuration of food, water, and shelter. The time we have saved on gathering our basic needs allows us to do more with our lives, since we have more time for these pursuits. What do we do with this time that's not spent on ensuring our survival? We make things. Technologically, we have evolved almost faster than we can keep up with. We have made infinite discoveries, invented to make our lives easier, healthier, longer, stronger, and more effortless.

There is a price to be paid, however. If we are so good at finding ways to satisfy our basic needs, why doesn't everyone on the face of the earth have access to these same devices? Why are there people starving in our own cities and countries? If technology has made the growing and purchasing of food, water, and shelter readily available, why are there people who go unfed, thirsty and homeless? Technology has also given us the ability to communicate with nearly everyone on the entire Earth. This grid is a giant web encircling the Earth, connecting anyone who has the means with everyone else. So much information! Supposedly we can know all there is to know, if we take the time to read it all.

Yet, with all this connectivity to each other, something vital is missing. When we once stood at the well collecting our water, we observed our surroundings and each other, and communicated face-to-face with all we encountered. There was a sense of connection that involved more compassion and direct contact than I believe exists in today's world. Perhaps, that is why social networking sites are so important to the masses. Even as technology makes our lives easier, and can often complement our lives, there's a sense that something may be missing. We all miss connecting to one another by the well, sharing what's going on in our lives with those souls who are accompanying us on this journey of life. At this point in history, we can "know" people we may never meet in person, ever. We can have more "friends" online than we have in our day to day lives. I know that's true of myself. In the many ways I am connected to online communities, I have more contacts over the airwaves using the written word instead of visiting with people when I can hear their voices, or better yet, seeing them in front of me.

As thankful as I am for the ability and means to connect with far more people than I will ever physically meet in my lifetime, I also yearn for a simpler time. For time to connect more directly with those around me. For a time when all people will have the means to gather their basic needs within stable, supportive environments, unplagued by wars and terror. For a time when we can use our incredible technological innovations to reach each and every one of us in more direct, compassionate ways.

And now, if you'll excuse me, or better yet - join me - with a cup of tea?

My Midlife Celebration

My husband and I fulfilled a crazy dream we've always had in the back of our minds. We bought a Harley!



It's a "Red Hot Sunglo" Street Glide Trike. THE motorcycle for daring middle-aged people. Imagine a motorized walker souped up a thousand times! Harley Davidson is onto something here, I have to say. It's a perfect entry into the motorcycle world without alot of the hassle. No special license needed, at least in California. And, for a couple of middle aged people with no motorcycle experience, it was just the right machine for us. Harley really needs to market this to the baby boomers who are ready to do something different with their leisure time.


As we both have some degree of wanderlust, we've always thought about getting a bike, but I was always too terrified to get on something with only 2 wheels that went really fast. I have a hard enough time driving a moped! Sunday afternoons early in our marriage were often spent on "mystery tours" when we drove to a general destination with no idea of what we might find, and would always be delighted by what transpired. We had a power boat for many years and enjoyed it fully, making many life-long friends, and plenty of memories.



Since we moved to the west coast, where we can potentially play nearly every day, we have had no real diversion. Hubby saw a huge group of bikes on a ride this past New Year's day on his daily walk with Charlie, and when he got home, went onto Harley's website to check out this trike he'd heard about, having seen a couple of them in this group. I toyed with the idea, letting it occupy a portion of my brain for a few days, trying it on to see if it fit. We went to a local dealer last week, and there she was, parked right in front. There was practically a billboard perched over the bike with our name on it, or at least that's how it felt. We spent about an hour there, meeting some of the people who were about to become new friends (but we didn't know that at the time!).



During the week, we kept asking each other if this was the right thing to do. We talked to a good friend who's an expert on Harleys who said to go for it, it would change our lives for the better. The idea grew on us, Harris did more research, and we started bragging to everyone we knew that we'd bought a bike. The momentum built up until by Saturday, he was telling me the countdown to Harley time! I was getting excited, too. And a little nervous.



Father, son, and I were ready at the appointed time on what would normally be a relaxing Sunday. Each had made previous trips to get a helmet fitted, so we were equipped. Insurance card was procured. Methods of payment were at the ready, all systems were go. We spent over 3 hours at the dealership, singing papers, buying t-shirts, shmoozing with some customers and the people who worked there, and of course learning how to operate this half-ton piece of machinery. Its Red Hot Sunglo body, with black leather and shiny chrome, sparkled in the late afternoon sunlight. Lots of people were drawn to it, and at one point, I went to sit on it and claim ownership! We took pictures, even a short video, as Harris learned how to drive it. He even went on the freeway for a taste of the experience, then I got on. With a slightly nervous but very excited wave, we began to drive away, when I suddenly threw my arms in the air and let out a loud whoop!



As we drove around the block a few times, and onto that small stretch of freeway, with the warm engine rumbling beneath me, I felt really free. The wind wasn't whipping my hair, since I had on the aforementioned helmet protecting my brains, but still experienced the feel of the wind and the sun and speed on my new steed. I wanted to go so fast (luckily I wasn't driving!). We drove up into the mountains nearby, but as it started towards sunset, we headed towards home, so excited with the scenery speeding past us. The stereo was blasting out some great music, and I kid you not: Steppenwolf's "Born to be Wild" played on the station we were listening to. That is THE ultimate riding song, and we took it as affirmation that we'd made a very good decision!

Live to Ride, Ride to Live. I get it now!

What's the world coming to?

I can't figure out if it's the universe that's getting back into balance, or it's we as human beings. The pendulum seems to be swinging more widely back and forth these days. I get a visual of a dog madly shaking water off its body. Wild gyrations, fur and water flying everywhere, commingling in a haphazard and chaotic way. Kind of feels like the energy that is existing in the world right now. Powerful forces pulling us apart and pushing us together. My life feels like a non-stop movie that just keeps speeding up, gradually, yet perceptively.

So many splintered people; violence, fear, terror, coloring the way we treat each other. People trying to murder each other in organized, methodical ways. People trying to figure out if we are the true cause of the way the universe's environment is changing. Some people merely trying to keep on in the face of despair, because there's always this hope that the world will repair itself and we can live in relative peace and prosperity. We treat our seniors and children and infirm in mixed ways. Some benefit from good care and plenty of compassion, while others suffer from the worst we have to offer.

What I dislike most about the human-made climate that exists at this point in history is the moralizing and dictating many people have taken on as their role in governing our actions and behavior. Everyone's an expert! Everyone's got the answer and is busy telling everyone else what to think and do. When I read the magazine the vitamin company kindly sends me every few months, I'm told how to tune up my body to its ultimate level for my age. When I tune into the media, I'm told whatever it is someone wants me to know about the current state of the world. When I read or listen to what our elected leaders have to say, I'm told how I am to live my life and how much it will cost me. The "experts" tell me what to weigh, what to eat, what to wear for my body type, what kind of exercises to do to accomplish my goals, how to do anything better, etc. Alot of bias, and infinitely varying viewpoints all purporting to have THE answer. I am not a robot, and can think for myself. I can deem if someone's expert opinion fits in with my worldview and upholds the values and beliefs that serve me. I am open to changing a viewpoint if it makes sense. Much in today's world does not make sense.


If we truly had this existence thing perfected, we would be experiencing a cooperative exchange of energy with each other. That is certainly far from the truth of where we are as a force on this planet. So much grabbing of power and resources in order to control each other. If we were truly in balance, there would be enough food, water, and shelter for every single living thing that existed, each soul living out its life cycle, and journeying on. Each person existing for self and others, adding his or her imprint to the world in a positive way.


But, that is not the way the universe works. Sometimes, the relative calm is toppled by chaotic forces that are stronger than can be contained and processed, and explosions erupt. There are natural forces that exert themselves in often transformative ways: rockslides, avalanches, blizzards, floods, earthy tremors, you name it. The universe has existed for eons before we existed, and will exist for eons after we are done. To think that we have ultimate control is absurd. I am all for not squandering the bountiful gifts of this place we call home, but let's be reasonable and think with sound mind, and be self-responsible. Let's teach each other how to do what needs to be done to fulfill our basic needs. Let's treat each other with respect for each other's existence. Let's not think that we have all the answers, and push them on each other. We have to walk a mile in another's shoes to know what they are experiencing, and we need to open up the ear within our hearts to hear what they are really saying. No more yelling, no more prosyletizing, no more moralizing, no more killing. Let's just treating each other with dignity and respect.



Maybe that's how we change the world.