To Resolute or Not?

It's been nearly a year since I decided to go public with my writing, and formed this blog. It was easy to keep up with it, posting regular installments on all number of topics. Then, summer came. My life exploded, but in a good way. A very busy summer dotted with visitors, travel, a surprise party celebrating a major birthday, and the various day to day events that refused to ebb into a slower pace. I went public with my creative undertakings, putting photos of my mosaic projects online. Yet, everytime I sat down to write, I felt that there wasn't much to say. The words vanished from the ether in my brain, where they'd been swirling around just moments before.

I sat down to start grappling with what it meant to be 50, intending to write something pithy and symbolic. I even received a great book as a guide (Invisible No More: The Secret Lifes of Women Over 50 by Kramer, Fisher, and Peelen) and bought a looseleaf notebook and paper to begin recording my thoughts on all aspects of this milestone. The problem is, I just don't feel 50. I feel as if I'm 37 with experience. OK, maybe 39 with experience. I feel comfortable with myself, though I'd like to lose some weight (who doesn't). I take no shit from anyone (finally). I know where I stand on issues that are meaningful to me. I am still figuring out what I want to do when I grow up, since it's time to pick something else. But, I don't say these statements because I'm now 50; it's just where I was headed anyways. I'm giving myself permission to be more free and allow others to do the same. So what if we don't agree? I go back and forth from giving too much thought to the political climate of late, to getting sick of all the namecalling and bitterness and going on a "news fast" to save my sanity. I'm not happy where things are these days, but am also too lazy to do anything about it, other than sign a few petitions and write some emails to my elected officials.

So, it's now almost a new year, 2010, which looks really cool when it's written down. Numerologically, it's a "3" year. In Kaballah, it stands for Understanding. Three represents trinities: past/present/future, mother/father/child, birth/life/death, in the Christian faith, it is the father/son/holy spirit. Qualities associated with people who are "3's" are versatile, artistic, witty, energetic, lucky, brilliant, sociable, expansive, frivolous, wasteful, outspoken. Not sure where this will guide us, if at all, but for some folks who swear by this, it does guide them into making better decisions in their lives. Which leads me to the topic at hand: making resolutions.

I prefer to call them Goals to Guide Me. I'm not a big one for the long haul, meaning that I might have some goals that go out a few months, some that might even cover a year, but that's the length of it. Who knows where, or (hopefully) if, I'll be around in 5 years? I'd rather keep that list manageable, that way I can have the satisfaction of crossing things off my list as they are completed! It really comes down to what are my priorities with this time ahead, and what do I want to do with my time? Where are my energies best spent? How much time do I want to devote to certain things, and what about those crazy ass things that just pop out of nowhere, demanding all my time and energy?

When I'm sitting here this time 365 days from now, what do I want to see as I look behind me? I see what I accomplished this past year and am proud of myself, but am not one to rest on my laurels (or my behind). A good friend sent me her goals, and I have to say, some of them were certainly pertinent to me and I asked her if I could "co-opt" them for my own use. Though we are at totally different stages in our lives, some things never change and can always use attention.

How do I want to care for myself this year? What needs tending to? How do I want to care for my surroundings? What inside me needs to be nourished? How do I want to care for others in my circle? What inner qualities need to be brought to the forefront, and what can take a rest? What no longer serves me? How do I best cultivate my current relationships, and am I open to new ones?

When I look around at my garden and see what needs pruning in order to grow and be healthy, I can use that same technique for my self. What can I prune, and where do I cut in order to stimulate growth in a way that is natural and healthy? As I'm tending to the garden, I allow my thoughts to wander to the garden that is within myself.

Will I actually sit down and have a long talk with myself before the new year and write down the goals I want to accomplish this year? Yes. It's a promise to myself. I have one life and I don't want to squander it. My energy is precious and is best not wasted. So, even if you find me sitting around in my garden, I'm not wasting time, I'm pruning my inner soul!

Happy pruning, happy goal-making, happy 2010!