I Love You, Mom

I Love You, Mom.
It's difficult for me to know if you still know who I am. If you know who you were in this lifetime, and why you have loved ones still around you, helping to ease you into this rite of passage. I wonder if there is still a part of you that fully recalls the faces of your daughters and your husband, makes the connection in your heart, and that still continues to convey pleasure for you. You were the most patient of mothers, kind and sweet, and so happy to be a mother to us. You were a positive role model to your daughters in the way you raised us. You tempered dad's short-fused outbursts with radiant sunshine, like a perfect rose-kissed June summer day.

Hot, fiery tears have fallen upon my pillow in the last few years, sobs have wracked my world. I've sadly said farewell to the mom I knew. You've slowly slipped away from us. You look like Sandra. Your eyes are still that deep doe-brown. But those eyes aren't always seeing what is there. The tangled brain is twisting it into unrecognizable form. Hazy, impermanent. But, sometimes, I think I see a spark. That you're still in there. Still with us in a conscious way. But, like an ember on a breezy night, the spark brightens and then it's extinguished. Poof. Gone. But, you were with us for a brief moment.

I treasure those moments. They are becoming more rare. It occurs to me that there is still one thing that will always connect with you, no matter if you know who anyone is or not, and that is LOVE. You can feel safe and comforted and be taken care of until you take your last breath. As heart-wrenching as it is to see you drift away from us, we can shower you with love when we are with you, so that you'll feel at peace.

I love you, mom.

Connecting with Wholeness

This week, I'm thinking about how I make this world a better place. As Jewish people, we are obligated to repair the world; how we carry that out is our contribution to the universe, and our gift from God.

How we serve, and repair the world, connects us to each other in many ways, shapes, and patterns. We connect with other living beings in our lives, whether in cyber space or in the physical world, in our roles as partner, worker, child/parent, friend, etc. Each of these connections teaches us about a different facet of ourselves. How we respond to each other also tells us if we are being honest with ourselves and each other. That is, do we embrace opportunities, or do we make excuses? Are we being whole and unified? Are we living a life with integrity? Are we treating each other respectfully? Do we treat ourselves with respect?

In the Talmud, it is said that "Because of me the universe was created." What is it about you that is so unique that only you can offer it to the universe? Do you offer this gift with your whole self, or with a splintered part of yourself? If we can't be honest about ourselves inside us, there is no way we can be honest about ourselves in our relationships to each other. Where inside ourselves do we feel splintered, and can we take the part of our self that is whole to help heal the broken parts? If we can't do it alone, maybe we can find a trusted, objective person to help us. Oftentimes, the hurting part takes up most of our vision, so that it's really difficult to see beyond it to the parts inside us that our whole.

We owe it to ourselves, and the universe, to become as whole as we can, as integrated as we can, in order to give our best self to the wider world. HaShem has given us a most unique gift of life, and we need to be co-creators to take this energy and make a mark upon this world.

Yearning for Simple

A seemingly insignificant event occured today that got me thinking. I was contemplating how to fill up my hot pot with filtered water from the fridge vs. plain water from the faucet. It's a pain to put water in, as the lid doesn't open widely enough to fit under the dispenser in the fridge door. I usually just put it under the tap in the sink. Convenience vs. taking time to put in better quality water. As I contemplated how I wanted to solve this dilemma, I spied my gorgeous, green Majolica flower pitcher. Shopping in an antique store with some old friends, I came around the corner after searching all over to see if there was a treasure to be found. In the glass case at about eye level stood this vision of luscious fecundity. Glowing in its glossy cabbage-green carved surface were gobs of flowers, vines, and leaves, all intertwined. It spoke to me.

I took the pitcher from its high perch in my kitchen. We live where there are earthquakes, so it's asking for trouble to keep it up there, but so far, so good. May we never get one that knocks it out of its aerie. [I send prayers to the victims in Haiti, may the world help them to get back on their feet, and to rebuild a better place to live.] As I gathered water in the vessel, the light went off in my head. A-ha! Here I stand, at this point in history, performing the rather simple task of getting some water to drink. It wasn't always that simple. In some places in the world, it still isn't. Technology has made it so I don't have to go to the well to gather the water I need.

Depending on when humans have existed on this planet, we've had to go from depending upon Mother Nature and the weather for our water and food and shelter, to being able to drive down the street a couple of miles to buy groceries, and stand with a pitcher in one's kitchen to get water. To most of us in the western world, that's the extent of our procuration of food, water, and shelter. The time we have saved on gathering our basic needs allows us to do more with our lives, since we have more time for these pursuits. What do we do with this time that's not spent on ensuring our survival? We make things. Technologically, we have evolved almost faster than we can keep up with. We have made infinite discoveries, invented to make our lives easier, healthier, longer, stronger, and more effortless.

There is a price to be paid, however. If we are so good at finding ways to satisfy our basic needs, why doesn't everyone on the face of the earth have access to these same devices? Why are there people starving in our own cities and countries? If technology has made the growing and purchasing of food, water, and shelter readily available, why are there people who go unfed, thirsty and homeless? Technology has also given us the ability to communicate with nearly everyone on the entire Earth. This grid is a giant web encircling the Earth, connecting anyone who has the means with everyone else. So much information! Supposedly we can know all there is to know, if we take the time to read it all.

Yet, with all this connectivity to each other, something vital is missing. When we once stood at the well collecting our water, we observed our surroundings and each other, and communicated face-to-face with all we encountered. There was a sense of connection that involved more compassion and direct contact than I believe exists in today's world. Perhaps, that is why social networking sites are so important to the masses. Even as technology makes our lives easier, and can often complement our lives, there's a sense that something may be missing. We all miss connecting to one another by the well, sharing what's going on in our lives with those souls who are accompanying us on this journey of life. At this point in history, we can "know" people we may never meet in person, ever. We can have more "friends" online than we have in our day to day lives. I know that's true of myself. In the many ways I am connected to online communities, I have more contacts over the airwaves using the written word instead of visiting with people when I can hear their voices, or better yet, seeing them in front of me.

As thankful as I am for the ability and means to connect with far more people than I will ever physically meet in my lifetime, I also yearn for a simpler time. For time to connect more directly with those around me. For a time when all people will have the means to gather their basic needs within stable, supportive environments, unplagued by wars and terror. For a time when we can use our incredible technological innovations to reach each and every one of us in more direct, compassionate ways.

And now, if you'll excuse me, or better yet - join me - with a cup of tea?

What's the world coming to?

I can't figure out if it's the universe that's getting back into balance, or it's we as human beings. The pendulum seems to be swinging more widely back and forth these days. I get a visual of a dog madly shaking water off its body. Wild gyrations, fur and water flying everywhere, commingling in a haphazard and chaotic way. Kind of feels like the energy that is existing in the world right now. Powerful forces pulling us apart and pushing us together. My life feels like a non-stop movie that just keeps speeding up, gradually, yet perceptively.

So many splintered people; violence, fear, terror, coloring the way we treat each other. People trying to murder each other in organized, methodical ways. People trying to figure out if we are the true cause of the way the universe's environment is changing. Some people merely trying to keep on in the face of despair, because there's always this hope that the world will repair itself and we can live in relative peace and prosperity. We treat our seniors and children and infirm in mixed ways. Some benefit from good care and plenty of compassion, while others suffer from the worst we have to offer.

What I dislike most about the human-made climate that exists at this point in history is the moralizing and dictating many people have taken on as their role in governing our actions and behavior. Everyone's an expert! Everyone's got the answer and is busy telling everyone else what to think and do. When I read the magazine the vitamin company kindly sends me every few months, I'm told how to tune up my body to its ultimate level for my age. When I tune into the media, I'm told whatever it is someone wants me to know about the current state of the world. When I read or listen to what our elected leaders have to say, I'm told how I am to live my life and how much it will cost me. The "experts" tell me what to weigh, what to eat, what to wear for my body type, what kind of exercises to do to accomplish my goals, how to do anything better, etc. Alot of bias, and infinitely varying viewpoints all purporting to have THE answer. I am not a robot, and can think for myself. I can deem if someone's expert opinion fits in with my worldview and upholds the values and beliefs that serve me. I am open to changing a viewpoint if it makes sense. Much in today's world does not make sense.


If we truly had this existence thing perfected, we would be experiencing a cooperative exchange of energy with each other. That is certainly far from the truth of where we are as a force on this planet. So much grabbing of power and resources in order to control each other. If we were truly in balance, there would be enough food, water, and shelter for every single living thing that existed, each soul living out its life cycle, and journeying on. Each person existing for self and others, adding his or her imprint to the world in a positive way.


But, that is not the way the universe works. Sometimes, the relative calm is toppled by chaotic forces that are stronger than can be contained and processed, and explosions erupt. There are natural forces that exert themselves in often transformative ways: rockslides, avalanches, blizzards, floods, earthy tremors, you name it. The universe has existed for eons before we existed, and will exist for eons after we are done. To think that we have ultimate control is absurd. I am all for not squandering the bountiful gifts of this place we call home, but let's be reasonable and think with sound mind, and be self-responsible. Let's teach each other how to do what needs to be done to fulfill our basic needs. Let's treat each other with respect for each other's existence. Let's not think that we have all the answers, and push them on each other. We have to walk a mile in another's shoes to know what they are experiencing, and we need to open up the ear within our hearts to hear what they are really saying. No more yelling, no more prosyletizing, no more moralizing, no more killing. Let's just treating each other with dignity and respect.



Maybe that's how we change the world.

To Resolute or Not?

It's been nearly a year since I decided to go public with my writing, and formed this blog. It was easy to keep up with it, posting regular installments on all number of topics. Then, summer came. My life exploded, but in a good way. A very busy summer dotted with visitors, travel, a surprise party celebrating a major birthday, and the various day to day events that refused to ebb into a slower pace. I went public with my creative undertakings, putting photos of my mosaic projects online. Yet, everytime I sat down to write, I felt that there wasn't much to say. The words vanished from the ether in my brain, where they'd been swirling around just moments before.

I sat down to start grappling with what it meant to be 50, intending to write something pithy and symbolic. I even received a great book as a guide (Invisible No More: The Secret Lifes of Women Over 50 by Kramer, Fisher, and Peelen) and bought a looseleaf notebook and paper to begin recording my thoughts on all aspects of this milestone. The problem is, I just don't feel 50. I feel as if I'm 37 with experience. OK, maybe 39 with experience. I feel comfortable with myself, though I'd like to lose some weight (who doesn't). I take no shit from anyone (finally). I know where I stand on issues that are meaningful to me. I am still figuring out what I want to do when I grow up, since it's time to pick something else. But, I don't say these statements because I'm now 50; it's just where I was headed anyways. I'm giving myself permission to be more free and allow others to do the same. So what if we don't agree? I go back and forth from giving too much thought to the political climate of late, to getting sick of all the namecalling and bitterness and going on a "news fast" to save my sanity. I'm not happy where things are these days, but am also too lazy to do anything about it, other than sign a few petitions and write some emails to my elected officials.

So, it's now almost a new year, 2010, which looks really cool when it's written down. Numerologically, it's a "3" year. In Kaballah, it stands for Understanding. Three represents trinities: past/present/future, mother/father/child, birth/life/death, in the Christian faith, it is the father/son/holy spirit. Qualities associated with people who are "3's" are versatile, artistic, witty, energetic, lucky, brilliant, sociable, expansive, frivolous, wasteful, outspoken. Not sure where this will guide us, if at all, but for some folks who swear by this, it does guide them into making better decisions in their lives. Which leads me to the topic at hand: making resolutions.

I prefer to call them Goals to Guide Me. I'm not a big one for the long haul, meaning that I might have some goals that go out a few months, some that might even cover a year, but that's the length of it. Who knows where, or (hopefully) if, I'll be around in 5 years? I'd rather keep that list manageable, that way I can have the satisfaction of crossing things off my list as they are completed! It really comes down to what are my priorities with this time ahead, and what do I want to do with my time? Where are my energies best spent? How much time do I want to devote to certain things, and what about those crazy ass things that just pop out of nowhere, demanding all my time and energy?

When I'm sitting here this time 365 days from now, what do I want to see as I look behind me? I see what I accomplished this past year and am proud of myself, but am not one to rest on my laurels (or my behind). A good friend sent me her goals, and I have to say, some of them were certainly pertinent to me and I asked her if I could "co-opt" them for my own use. Though we are at totally different stages in our lives, some things never change and can always use attention.

How do I want to care for myself this year? What needs tending to? How do I want to care for my surroundings? What inside me needs to be nourished? How do I want to care for others in my circle? What inner qualities need to be brought to the forefront, and what can take a rest? What no longer serves me? How do I best cultivate my current relationships, and am I open to new ones?

When I look around at my garden and see what needs pruning in order to grow and be healthy, I can use that same technique for my self. What can I prune, and where do I cut in order to stimulate growth in a way that is natural and healthy? As I'm tending to the garden, I allow my thoughts to wander to the garden that is within myself.

Will I actually sit down and have a long talk with myself before the new year and write down the goals I want to accomplish this year? Yes. It's a promise to myself. I have one life and I don't want to squander it. My energy is precious and is best not wasted. So, even if you find me sitting around in my garden, I'm not wasting time, I'm pruning my inner soul!

Happy pruning, happy goal-making, happy 2010!

Yo Mama

Sunday is Mother's Day here in the US. Personally, I think it's a ploy from the retail shops to drum up some extra business. I could participate in stimulating the economy by taking advantage of the lovely items available in nearly every kind of gift shop or department store. Or, I might grace mom with a handmade gift, or something else that helps her enjoy life. Taking her out for a nice meal, or making a donation in her name are other thoughtful ideas. But, I prefer to tell my mom (and mother in law) that I think they're special more often than once a year on a made-up holiday. And, I told my husband that I want to stay home and just relax! And not to spend money on a card, because he can tell me in person what a great mom I am to our child! He was fine with that (ha ha).

My mother is one of the reasons I'm a decent person. Her kind, loving way of raising me (and my 2 sisters) resulted in my growing into a thoughtful, considerate, and loving mother to my own child. Her lessons were many, and she fostered (and still does) a sense of peace, security, and togetherness in our family. It's difficult for me to be living so far away and not having her close at hand. The telephone doesn't quite cut it for me, so we visit a few times a year and that tides me over, most of the time.

My mother in law raised a loving, happy man who became my husband (and he's still happy!!). The lessons he learned from her, to be fair, honest, responsible, and to work hard have made him a successful person in his career, and a loving and upbeat father.

Our mothers are crucial to our well-being. Studies with young children, and young animals demonstrate how necessary maternal bonding is from the moment of birth. A youngster who has not received adequate bonding from a loving, caring presence will not have a sense of security, a clear sense of self, and will have problems with attachment later on.

If your mother is a positive presence in your life, consider yourself fortunate indeed. If you had issues with your mother, figure out what good she contributed to your life, and how her behavior helped you become the person you are today.

On another note, I came across this information in today's Dear Abby and want to share it with you: heart disease kills more women than the other top 3 causes combined. Women's symptoms are not the same as men's. It is important for women, and the ones who care about them, to know and understand the symptoms in order to receive proper and timely lifesaving care. You can request a Heart Health Kit by going to www.pueblo.gsa.gov, or call 888-878-3256, or write to Heart Health Kit, Pueblo, CO 81009.

Every End is a Beginning

This is a tumultuous time in history. There is more warfare going on than at any other time in my memory. On all of the majorly inhabited continents, opposing forces are hard at work, seeking to restore order as they see it. Every side is working against another--friction, fear, and death are the cries we hear. Polarized nations, civil wars, so much hatred, anger, ignorance, and fear are present.

While technology struggles to stay one step ahead of the curve, there are still masses of people dying of disease and hunger. Though technology reaches many people helping them to live longer lives, it causes a drain on resources as well. How do we change our consciousness in ways that bestows more value on our elders instead of treating them as a burden? In our busy worlds of work where we run around all day like hamsters on a wheel, how does an elder contribute to the world when the body can't quite keep up? And God forbid if the mind goes first. We are then doomed to spend many years locked into an ever-shrinking world. Unbeknownst to us, but painful to our loved ones who have to witness our flashbacks to earlier times that cancel out the other parts of our lives as if we're turning out the lights within each room of ourselves. What do we do with all these people whose lives we are saving?

The end is a beginning. Perhaps that is where we are right now--at a threshold. A big part of me is very sad. I recall more peaceful times when the world was safer and more people died from natural causes than from people killing each other. It's become a place I do not recognize at times--people's lives are stolen from them by greedy, hateful, megalomaniacal, or fanatical leaders, or they sabotage themselves by continued victimization and powerlessness.

What's happened to our values of self-responsibility, decency, respect, and honesty? We are headed for another civil war in this country--there is a divisive force within, threatening to cause class wars and political unrest. The victims of everything and anything will be taken care of by Big Daddy because he promised them he would. Those who have more will be forced to continuously feed those who have less in this bottomless pit of endless needs.

Instead of putting our hand out to receive our hand out, we have to put our hands out to each other. We are rapidly and painfully crashing towards a new world order. There are more people demanding more from our planet's resources. The economy is a force we are unable to tame though we consistently attempt to manipulate it and mess it up to an even greater degree. More people are competing in this global market, resulting in more power struggles and greater chaos.

They say "money makes the world go round" but does it? What power is held in these pieces of colored paper, colored metal discs, and plastic cards? What is this made-up construct of "you give me your energy and I will exchange it for paper with numbers on it that you can use to procure what you need"? What does this mean for us as individuals, and for society to give our life energy for money?

Some people will have more than others, and many of these people achieved more because they were in the right place at the right time and worked hard (luck and preparation). Some peole will have more than others because they came about it dishonestly, or unfairly, trampling on people on their way up. Some people will have less, due to many circumstances out of their control: illness, mental or physical ability, poverty, all play a role. What is immoral is the greed, laziness, or victimhood that is used to bypass the code of human decency in order to "get more".

We have come to a point in history where it's time to grow up. To take responsiblity for ourselves, to treat each other, the world, and our selves, with respect, rather than trying to force things on each other. I am sad about how we have come to treat one another. I'm wondering how this will all resolve. What is the right way to be in the world today? What will survive? What needs to die? How can each of us contribute to this process? How can we be the people we were meant to be? This is our only shot; how do we make it count?

Back to Basics

Every day I hear more sad news about people losing a job, or their home, or they can't keep their pets, or they have a health crisis and lack insurance since they lost their jobs. It really makes me feel blessed that things are ok in my world at this point in time, but it also leaves me with plenty of questions.

In no other time that I myself have lived through has there been so much glut, so much consumption, and so much entitlement. There is conspicuous consumption all around me, and even I am guilty of that. I have 3 televisions in my house! When I was growing up, we had one. Where I live, when children reach the age when they can drive, their parents by them a new car! When I was growing up, I had to use my mother's car, and didn't have my own car until I graduated college. That car was my grandmother's 1973 Dodge Dart that drove like a tank and looked like one too. If I am hungry and want a quick meal, I have many choices of drive-in restaurants, and don't even have to cook at home.

With consumerism and technology exploding around us, life was going to be easier and more convenient, kind of like the Jetsons! However, I believe life has become more complex. We have far more choices than we need. We have far more things available to us that we are told will make our lives better (video game systems, entertainment systems, cars that do nearly everything, appliances that we can't live without, etc). We spend more time connected to a cell phone, blackberry, or computer than to the person standing right in front of us. Some technology is good and helpful and even life-saving, unless it has lots of side effects (like all those drugs advertised on television, and in magazines). But, because something is available doesn't mean we need to jump on the bandwagon and take advantage of it.

Perhaps this shake-up in our global economy will help us get back to basics. We don't need five Wal-marts in one town. We don't need a Starbucks on every corner. We don't need alot of stores all selling the same things. True, this has kept many people employed, but only while we were spending our hard-earned dollars. I believe it's time to cut back, regroup, and reassess what we really need to be happy.

We don't need "things" but we do need each other. What are some ways that you can think of that will help you reconnect with your children, your families, your neighbors? In these dismal times, fear often takes hold, and we need to be working with and supporting each other. Instead of grabbing a bite at the local fast food joint, make dinner at home, invite the neighbors for a potluck, nothing fancy, but make it a time to get together with your loved ones. You'll save some money, and increase the good will.

Turn off the tv, take a walk, borrow books from your friends, go to a park, make your greeting cards instead of buying them, be creative in ways to help you feel more in control and less fearful. I'm not saying we should all hunker down and hibernate, but be more cognizant and aware of our actions. Save resources, not because it's become the latest craze, but because it's a way to be less heavy-handed. Turn off lights and other appliances when they are not in use, use less than you really have to when it comes to water and other resources, and treat the place where you live in a respectful way. Become more aware of your impact and leave the world a better place than how you found it, if for no other reason than you are blessed to be alive here in this place at this moment in time.

When I start fearing that too much of my life is out of my control, I don't watch the news or read the newspaper as it adds to my stress level. I keep healthy by watching what I eat, exercising, and spending time doing the things I love. If you are about to lose your job, or think that it might be in jeopardy, start thinking out of the box and reassess your interests, talents and skills and figure out other ways to use them. Cut back on the things that you really don't need, and be honest with yourself. We have so much in our lives that it's too easy to get caught up in needs vs. wants.

Children-Our Legacy

OK, I admit this is a questionable photo of my son and me. DCF might want to investigate my readiness to adequately raise a child according to the rules and morals of our western culture. At the time, the bottle was a great pacifier. Notice it wasn't tipped to allow him a sip. Regardless, my son has grown into a highly responsible and highly regarded young man of 21 years old. My husband and I did something right to ensure that. We were given a blank canvas when he was born, a composite of human "clay" that was perfect, and it was up to us to fashion that "human clay" into a polite, intelligent, and vibrant person who would contribute to society.

But, how do you do that effectively when you are going through personal and marital challenges, compounded by the demands of the outside world? When you are out in the world to make a name for yourself, and also inside a marriage as you learn to get along with another person who has quirky needs, how do you deal with that pressure, all the while ensuring that your child grow into a responsible and loving individual?

I always thought that motherhood (and fatherhood) brings out the best and worst in a person. I recall one horrible week when Arthur was in the midst of the Terrible Twos. Every day had been a battle, and this child who was always happy and agreeable had transformed into a small beast that growled and stomped and tantrummed. One day, I was pushed to The Edge. The edge that some people cross where they cause harm to their child's body and soul. It scared the hell out of me. As I sat on the floor next to him, both of us crying in pain and frustration, it dawned on me that no matter how educated or rich I was, I was reduced to the barest minimum of a human being. Thank God I had the sanity and strength of self to not cross that line. It made me think twice about how lucky my upbringing was so that I could separate Arthur from his behavior, and figure out how to get us both out of that horrible place.

As children, we're supposed to honor our parents, but what does it say about parents taking care of their children? What happens when parents neglect the physical and emotional health of their children, due to personal inadequacies which prevent them from thinking straight? I read an article about a teenager whose mother has cerebral palsy and whose father has developmental disabilities, but is otherwise functional. She has managed to graduate high school, yet still is able to take care of her parents, with whom she shares an incredibly close and rich relationship. The three of them have overcome major personal difficulties, and the parents were able to raise a wonderful, giving young woman who is planning to go on to college and become a teacher.

Our children teach us to be better than we think we can be. They also remind us of our failings. We can be better human beings when we take our parenting seriously. It is imperative for us as grown-ups to prepare our progeny the best way we can, as they are our future leaders. I find that in addition to all the activities we engage in together, it's in the quiet times before bed, or eating breakfast together, where we can pass on nuggets of wisdom. It's also in the way I treat my spouse that best shows my son how to get along with another person, even if we are in conflict. We shouldn't shelter our children from the consequences of our and their actions as we interact with life around us, for these are the life lessons they will require as they become adults. Our children are not our possessions; they are on loan to us, and it's our responsibility to them to show them how to be in the world.

You can get great parents who raise bad children, and you can get bad parents whose children demonstrate remarkable resilience and develop into giving and happy adults. We can do only the best we can in the moment. We are going to do something to our kids that will result in some scar tissue within them, but that's how they grow. If your parents' behavior resulted in some wound you can't seem to recover from, seek help. You'll be a better person for it, and a better parent. Mistakes are good, that's how we learn. But own up to them, be a model for your kids, and become more of who you were put on this earth to be. That is the legacy you can pass on to your children.

Being Grateful Despite your Expectations!

Gratefulness--what is it really?
Last night, I had to opportunity to attend a lovely outdoor concert on a gorgeous summer night. I met someone new, and reconnected with two old friends. The music was great, the company superb; indeed the entire experience leaves me with a smile. Instead of focusing on the heat, the crowd, the very slowness of our dinner arriving, causing us to miss part of the concert which all could've ended up spoiling the evening, I decided to focus on the positives.

Being grateful is all about focusing on the positive, even if there are some issues that don't meet with your expectations. Actually, having specific expectations, rather than being open to whatever happens, predisposes you to be disappointed when those expectations go unmet. Of course, it doesn't mean letting someone trample all over you. You must stick up for yourself when the situation warrants. Staying open to whatever happens, focusing on the positive, and being grateful for the entire experience causes your heart and soul to open, nurturing your growth in this universe. HaShem is there in all our moments, and for this alone, we are grateful!

Giving and Receiving

This week is the Jewish festival of Shavuot, when the Jewish people received the Torah from God at Mt. Sinai. It's not just that we were "given" these laws, which have become adopted by most western cultures as the way to live as human beings. But that our ancestors opened up their minds, hearts, souls to "receiving" these laws. We are given many things in life: a diagnosis, a pink slip, a good grade, a raise, a new office, an opportunity.... But, how are these various things received by us???
What do we do with what we are given? How open are we at the time they are given? Many things we earn, but some things come to us unbidden (at least consciously). When you look back on your life and focus on the gifts that have been given to you, what was your response in receiving?

May Your Memory Be a Blessing

When we die, there is an expression: "May his/her memory be a blessing." What does it take for us to live a life that others will remember as a blessing? When we are gone from this earth, how will others remember us? How do we live our lives in a way that blesses the universe, HaShem, our loved ones, and ourselves?

Forgiveness

We are moving into the "crown" of the Jewish spiritual year, the High Holidays, when we each take stock of how we hit or missed the "mark".... did we do whatever we needed to, make the right choices in the moment with the knowledge at hand, and do our best in each encounter? Or, did we make a wrong choice because we weren't in the right place emotionally or physically? HaShem forgives us, but it might be harder for humans to forgive each other. Customarily, we apologize to those we may have hurt by our actions, we attempt to make amends and make things all right with each other, and we move on and try to do better.
Where can you make amends in your life? Whom might you have hurt, either by accident or even on purpose? And where do you need forgiveness in your life? Forgiveness is a weird concept. When we are angry or hurt and feel maligned and misunderstood, or have even suffered physical or mental anguish by someone, it is almost impossible to think of forgiving the person. It might feel that you are condoning this person's actions against you. In fact, when you can come to the understanding that forgiveness frees you from the burden of this person's power over your life, it can be a huge awakening. That's why forgiveness among humans is the hardest thing to achieve.
What makes it easy for HaShem to forgive us? What kind of God-consicousness might you employ to help you move into the space of forgiveness?

Surrender

Surrender. What does that mean to you? Does it mean "I give up" and you throw your hands in the air, feeling exasperated and at your wits' end? Does it mean sitting lifeless in your chair, depressed and deflated? What are you exactly giving up? The constant fight AGAINST something? The conflict of your expectations versus what is going on right in front of you? A seemingly immovable force that you can't get away from?

Surrender. What does it really mean? It means geting out of your own way. It means allowing the events to unfold, and responding to them in the best way you know how. It means that if you believe you are "losing the battle" to figure out what it is your battling against and align your energy with it. Not giving in, not condoning, but keeping yourself safe and figuring out how to work with a seemingly immovable force.

In my work, so many of my clients continue to fight against forces that refuse to change. It is often a conflictual relationship with a spouse, parent or other relative, and each person continues to play the game of the other person, falling into the same pattern of defensiveness, anger, and hurt feelings. Often, they don't see it as it is so close to their face. There is no perspective on the situation. We try to find that perspective, and figure out what one new small way of responding will help them alleviate guilt, anger, whatever. When they refuse to fall into the pattern, refuse to play the game, and do it in a small, easily managed way, it is amazing what happens over time. I call it my One Degree of Change. Imagine you set out on your journey using a compass and need to go 235 degrees. However, you proceed at 234 degrees. Over time (and distance), you will end up in a totally different place, miles away from where you had intended. When you change how you view a situation and respond in a way that is different than before, over time, things change. The people that you are in conflict with will not be such a threat, and may even start to change how they respond to you! When you refuse to "play their game" any longer, you are out of the conflict.

That is surrender.

I offer this to you, passed on by a friend:

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.>> Happy moments, praise God.>> Difficult moments, seek God.>> Quiet moments, worship God.>> Painful moments, trust God.>> Every moment, thank God.
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Mothers

As Mother's Day is this Sunday for many people, I am reflecting on my own mother, and myself as a mother. It's amazing how powerful mothers are, and their influence colors much of what we do. When mothering is nurturing and consistent, children tend to grow up with a strong sense of self, and of responsibility. When that mothering is poor, oftentimes children grow up with a skewed sense of themselves, and their place in the world.

Many of my female clients with children are raising them the opposite of how they were raised, having figured out what to do "in spite" of their own mother's poor mothering skills. It creates a sort of "Catch-22" and lots of tangled up emotions and strange behaviors. Sons of less-than-nurturing mothers have a hard time with vulnerability, and tend to mask it with bravado, substance use/abuse, and even other forms of abuse towards the women in their lives. Of course, I am generalizing here, but the bottom line is mothers wield a lot of influence.

People often compliment me on how well my son has "turned out" and I accept their compliments with the statement: I started out with great material, and facilitated his growth the best I could. I believe most mothers can say that, even if the best they could do was hampered by their own physical, mental, or emotional difficulties.

The baggage we carry around if mother was "not good" is very heavy. If your relationship was "less than perfect" and you struggle with that every day, see if you can figure out what kind of person your mom is/was, not as your mother, but as a person in her own right. She may always come up falling short of your ideal mother, but there is good in her somewhere. Maybe you can embrace some good part of her, and accept her for who she is, knowing she tried the best she could. You hold a part of her within you, and if you can view that with light and gentleness, it makes life that much easier to bear.

If you enjoy a delightful relationship with your mother, mazel tov. You are truly fortunate, and blessed.

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