Enough is Enough... but it's not over yet.

This has been a rather stressful week for me, and it seems to be centering on the fact that things that seem so close remain out of reach. The timing is just not right, the planets are not quite aligned.... Whatever it is, I am feeling like I did when I was over 9 months pregnant with my son, when the ending seemed so within reach, yet it wasn't the right time. Expectancy is high, energy is high, but it's a tense kind of energy that is jagged and not joyful. It is not even a matter of wanting to control the situation, but of realizing that no matter how hard I pray, it's just not happening in my time frame, for whatever the reasons.

Here in the northeast, we continue to be bombarded with winter, cold, wind, snow, mess... I have had ENOUGH! It has caused enough havoc in my life, and I want it to be over with! Not so, as we are about to be hit with another storm. Do I collapse in a crazy fit of hysterical laughter, totally unable to muster up the energy to keep at it? Do I give up? How much "surrendering to the flow" is enough? What happens when one is at the breaking point? When all the energy one has isn't enough?? A-ha! That is when the good stuff really happens, you know. That's the broken vessel finally letting in the light. And just when I thought I was keeping things in balance, keeping myself in balance, expending lots of energy to do that, that's when MAJOR CHAOS steps into the dance. What is the choice that you make when whatever you have been doing falls short and you are met with BIG CHANGE staring you square in the eyes, and you feel that you have no strength left?

Boundaries & Discernment

Purim has just passed, and Pesach is on the horizon. As with the autumn holidays, those in the spring give us plenty of chances to delve more deeply into Jewish heritage and how that affects our own growth. What can you pull from these holidays to take you through the dark and foreboding mystery, into the midst of the transitional time, and out the other side into the light and clarity? Are you where you want to be in your life, spiritually, emotionally, or in whatever way your path is taking you?

The Jewish religion and its practice are known for boundaries and discernment. How are your boundaries these days? Are you feeling strong and confident in some areas, but perhaps feel as if you're getting stepped on in other areas? Are you able to discern when you can leave your boundary more open, or when you need to pull it in tighter, depending upon the energy of the people you are spending time with?

Surrender

Surrender. What does that mean to you? Does it mean "I give up" and you throw your hands in the air, feeling exasperated and at your wits' end? Does it mean sitting lifeless in your chair, depressed and deflated? What are you exactly giving up? The constant fight AGAINST something? The conflict of your expectations versus what is going on right in front of you? A seemingly immovable force that you can't get away from?

Surrender. What does it really mean? It means geting out of your own way. It means allowing the events to unfold, and responding to them in the best way you know how. It means that if you believe you are "losing the battle" to figure out what it is your battling against and align your energy with it. Not giving in, not condoning, but keeping yourself safe and figuring out how to work with a seemingly immovable force.

In my work, so many of my clients continue to fight against forces that refuse to change. It is often a conflictual relationship with a spouse, parent or other relative, and each person continues to play the game of the other person, falling into the same pattern of defensiveness, anger, and hurt feelings. Often, they don't see it as it is so close to their face. There is no perspective on the situation. We try to find that perspective, and figure out what one new small way of responding will help them alleviate guilt, anger, whatever. When they refuse to fall into the pattern, refuse to play the game, and do it in a small, easily managed way, it is amazing what happens over time. I call it my One Degree of Change. Imagine you set out on your journey using a compass and need to go 235 degrees. However, you proceed at 234 degrees. Over time (and distance), you will end up in a totally different place, miles away from where you had intended. When you change how you view a situation and respond in a way that is different than before, over time, things change. The people that you are in conflict with will not be such a threat, and may even start to change how they respond to you! When you refuse to "play their game" any longer, you are out of the conflict.

That is surrender.

I offer this to you, passed on by a friend:

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.>> Happy moments, praise God.>> Difficult moments, seek God.>> Quiet moments, worship God.>> Painful moments, trust God.>> Every moment, thank God.
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Mothers

As Mother's Day is this Sunday for many people, I am reflecting on my own mother, and myself as a mother. It's amazing how powerful mothers are, and their influence colors much of what we do. When mothering is nurturing and consistent, children tend to grow up with a strong sense of self, and of responsibility. When that mothering is poor, oftentimes children grow up with a skewed sense of themselves, and their place in the world.

Many of my female clients with children are raising them the opposite of how they were raised, having figured out what to do "in spite" of their own mother's poor mothering skills. It creates a sort of "Catch-22" and lots of tangled up emotions and strange behaviors. Sons of less-than-nurturing mothers have a hard time with vulnerability, and tend to mask it with bravado, substance use/abuse, and even other forms of abuse towards the women in their lives. Of course, I am generalizing here, but the bottom line is mothers wield a lot of influence.

People often compliment me on how well my son has "turned out" and I accept their compliments with the statement: I started out with great material, and facilitated his growth the best I could. I believe most mothers can say that, even if the best they could do was hampered by their own physical, mental, or emotional difficulties.

The baggage we carry around if mother was "not good" is very heavy. If your relationship was "less than perfect" and you struggle with that every day, see if you can figure out what kind of person your mom is/was, not as your mother, but as a person in her own right. She may always come up falling short of your ideal mother, but there is good in her somewhere. Maybe you can embrace some good part of her, and accept her for who she is, knowing she tried the best she could. You hold a part of her within you, and if you can view that with light and gentleness, it makes life that much easier to bear.

If you enjoy a delightful relationship with your mother, mazel tov. You are truly fortunate, and blessed.

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Sing Your Own Song!

Spring is here for us in the Northern Hemisphere. I always think of this change of seasons as the most blatant, in that we are going from the "sleep" of winter into full-blown energy. Listen to the birds' songs getting louder and more prevalent in their quest to mate. See trees and other plants bursting forth with new growth. There is also spring cleaning--of our homes, and ourselves. Pesach is coming soon. All of these events constitute more energy and activity, an awakening.

Rabbi Nachman in Likkutei MoHaRaN I:282 teaches that each person can always revive and reawaken his/her spirits "by searching out and finding your positive points, collecting them together and sifting them out from the impurities within you, this is how melodies are made.... search until you find a little bit of good in yourself... and in just the same way, you must carrying on searching until you find yet another good point. If despite your desire to be happy you feel drawn down, draw strength from happier times gone by. Eventually, joy will return."

This also reminds us to thank HaShem for the blessings in our lives. It's so easy to get caught up in the negative feelings, and I love what R. Nachman says about creating melodies. Each one of us is a special, unique song that HaShem sings as we are breathed into being. Never forget that!

Chaos and Response

The past few months, I have been attending a class called "Reading the Writings" where we dissect and understand the Ketuvim, the selections at the end of the Torah. This past week, we focused on Ecclesiastes and Lamentations. Both focused on the cycle and flow of life. The ups and downs, ins and outs. It seems that no matter how much knowledge, wisdom, health, or money we may have, shift happens. Chaos is the order of the world, I always say. We can be the most healthy, wealthy, and wise, it doesn't matter, there will occur some event that reminds us we are mortal and no better than the next person.
Now, not to get depressed about all this, the message seems to be to just take each moment as it comes, and enjoy what we can in this one life we have been given. Hineni, Here am I, means to be fully present in each moment, no matter the shift going on in our life at that moment. One kind cyber-friend from this list wrote me about the line in our prayers "the lost among the living" and we know many of those people, have even been there ourselves, when we are the lost souls.... some major shift happens in our life, and we are unclear how to respond, or don't know how to respond, and walk around in a fog, or worse, treat the pain we are experiencing with an addictive behavior. When the world throws us a curve ball, how we respond makes all the difference. I am hoping each one of us can be in that Hineni moment and meet the challenge with God-given strength and find the anchor that we need.
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It's Okay to Not Know the Answers

Imagine that you are sitting comfortably at the feet of a wise old teacher. You are amidst others who are also there to listen to the words of this sage. The wind wafts around you, carrying the sweet scent of the trees and grasses. The wise old sage speaks. It is Rabbi Yannai, one of the "fathers" in the Pirke Avot:

"It is not within our grasp to explain
the prosperity of the wicked
or the suffering of the righteous.
All we are called upon to do
is to act justly ourselves.

Reality is more complex than we would like.
If we insist upon it making sense,
we will find ourselves despairing.
Reality cannot be neatly packaged,
bound with the ribbon of morality.
Reality is greater than our ideas of good and evil;
Reality is beyond our right and wrong.
Reality is all that is, and this is often at odds
with what we imagine it should be.

Where we can stand up for justice, let us act.
Where we are confounded by Truth,
let us keep silent" (IV:19)

There is much commentary that I found online regarding the first part of this passage, which you can read at your leisure. It speaks to the fact that life isn't "fair" and chaos is the order of the world, yet we still have an obligation to carry on "justly" as if it all does make sense. Why do good people suffer, and why does it seem that some people experience more tragedy and hard times than others? It's part of the Mystery of Reality. In our own small minds, we cannot possibly grasp the answers to these "why's" but that doesn't mean we are totally powerless in our actions.

In the last section, we are commanded to act where we must to right a situation if we are able. In keeping silent, perhaps our words may not help the situation, but other actions might. I am reminded of the practice of sitting shiva, the 7-day period of mourning, when one visits the home of the deceased. It is supposed to be a time of quiet thought, to hold the sacred space with the family, to be there with heartfelt prayer, not communicating out loud until the mourner wishes to speak. Often, we are at a loss for words, and that is ok. Maybe our words wouldn't help, but our actions of reaching out silently from our hearts, with a touch, or a hug, are all the action that is necessary.
If you are wondering why your life is full of suffering, even if you can guess at the "why" and do something about it, just know that there doesn't have to be an answer, but to do what you can to reach out to improve your life (acting on the justice), and hold your self, your heart, your soul in reverent silence and prayer to bring yourself out of your despair. It's ok to not know the answers, it's ok to let it remain a mystery. It's also very ok to take care of yourself in order to regain your strength and courage.