Hitbodedut is the art of looking within one's deepest self, contemplating what is discovered, and continuing on the journey in a state of higher enlightenment. Unlike Narcissus's superficial consideration of his "self," the self-reflection of Hitbodedut goes deeper, into the dark muddiness we carry around inside of us. This "rest stop" along our journey can be fraught with fear, confusion, even shame. We need to summon our courage to peel away those layers to get to the heart of the matter.
In my counseling practice, it was important to provide a safe and non-judgmental place where this often painful process could unfold. That's why it's vitally important that we each do that with our selves when we venture into those mysterious, musty corners. To be non-judgmental and realize that we did the best we could at that moment in time. Hindsight is where we figure out what we could've done better, but that kind of realization only comes with experience, so we can't blame ourselves if we didn't act or think a certain way at a certain time in our lives. If we can make sense of things and come to peace with what's happened in our lives, it can only help us be more "whole" and more integrated. Wiser. To break unhelpful patterns and detrimental ways of thinking about ourselves and the world.
Be kind and gentle with your self this week, and with each other. I know I need to be.
I've known "something" is up, since my body has been sending out all kinds of signals lately. Tonight, as I walked the dog (I desperately needed to get some fresh air, after being cooped up in an office the last 2 days), I felt a nudge which succeeded in pushing me down. Fortunately, it was a gentle nudge, and other than dirty pants, I fell fairly gracefully and don't believe I sustained any extensive injuries. At my age, I know I need to be more careful! I've been nudged several times in my life. Some nudges were more gentle and beautiful--such as when I went walking at sunrise at a retreat many years ago, and stopped to look at distant hills when my head was "re-positioned" by an invisible hand and I witnessed a deer literally cavorting in a field! Other times have been quite painful and I am still suffering from the effects!
So, as I sit down tonight to contemplate what's poking me for attention, I hope you will take some time this week to do some hitbodedut yourself. If you would like an ear, I am available, or just contact a trusted friend or family member. We're all here to help each other, to listen with the "ear" in our h-ear-ts. Shabbat shalom, and my you have moments of light this week.
p.s. in case you're wondering about the photo up top, it's from the elevator of the Standard hotel in New York's West Side, near the new elevated walkway. I was there several weeks ago, and had a blast. I love NY! (not the Yankees, but the city!). If you're there, please check out the new walkway (what a creative way to keep a bit of history and make it totally current for today). As a budding horticulturist, I appreciated the use of grasses and native trees, and the way the whole area comes together harmoniously along with the joy and beauty it gives to the city. The hotel was a kick! A disco pool at the almost-rooftop bar, and baby hot tubs, fake grass and comfy seating up on top. Plus, a killer view of the city and the Statue of Liberty. The place was packed on a hot late-summer Sunday afternoon. The video in the darkened elevator was a sort of acid trippy psychedelically colorful version of Dante's Inferno, constantly playing scenes of the darkness and light of life's events. Perfect for this blog entry!
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