I Love You, Mom

I Love You, Mom.
It's difficult for me to know if you still know who I am. If you know who you were in this lifetime, and why you have loved ones still around you, helping to ease you into this rite of passage. I wonder if there is still a part of you that fully recalls the faces of your daughters and your husband, makes the connection in your heart, and that still continues to convey pleasure for you. You were the most patient of mothers, kind and sweet, and so happy to be a mother to us. You were a positive role model to your daughters in the way you raised us. You tempered dad's short-fused outbursts with radiant sunshine, like a perfect rose-kissed June summer day.

Hot, fiery tears have fallen upon my pillow in the last few years, sobs have wracked my world. I've sadly said farewell to the mom I knew. You've slowly slipped away from us. You look like Sandra. Your eyes are still that deep doe-brown. But those eyes aren't always seeing what is there. The tangled brain is twisting it into unrecognizable form. Hazy, impermanent. But, sometimes, I think I see a spark. That you're still in there. Still with us in a conscious way. But, like an ember on a breezy night, the spark brightens and then it's extinguished. Poof. Gone. But, you were with us for a brief moment.

I treasure those moments. They are becoming more rare. It occurs to me that there is still one thing that will always connect with you, no matter if you know who anyone is or not, and that is LOVE. You can feel safe and comforted and be taken care of until you take your last breath. As heart-wrenching as it is to see you drift away from us, we can shower you with love when we are with you, so that you'll feel at peace.

I love you, mom.

One life. Live it.

Enjoying the last light of the day in the personal oasis that is my tiny piece of terra firma (or sometimes not-so-firma, living in earthquake-prone California as I do)... I am searching for some inspiration for a gift to create for someone special, and came upon the phrase that is the title of today's posting.

Aging, mortality, choices, transitions, all these challenges are swirling around in my brain these last several years. I suppose living a Half-Century has something to contribute to this realm of thought. What a gift to make it this far! And my father-in-law is 90 tomorrow. THAT is a celebration! Should everything align properly, we will be celebrating all together this weekend. What a blessed event it will be!

I now have my mantra for this stage of my life: One life. LIVE it. How do I make whatever years, days, months, hours & minutes I have left COUNT? Where do my head, heart, & soul need to be to make it all worthy? and worthwhile?

We experience moments in life when it's all happy, bright and smooth sailing. Then, those big waves come and try to topple our small but sturdy life raft. I recently read Unbroken by Lauren Hillenbrand, the author of Seabiscuit. Louie Zamperini was aboard a B-24 plane on the way to Japan during WWII and was shot down. He and 2 other men survived over a month in a life raft, only to be captured, then tortured for over 2 years in a Japanese P.O.W. camp, which he also survived. He was on his way to becoming a famous Olympic athlete when the war interrupted his plans. The billboard message that was in my head when I finished the book was: When life throws uncontrollable shift at you, how will you respond?

And, since this is the only life I have, once I think "it," I have to live "it." Or live with it.... whatever "it" is.

IT could be going to school, learning something new, meeting new people, mastering the art of something, taking on a new role, going down an unfamiliar path, in an unfamiliar country, or whatever might be on your own personal bucket list.

This is a poem I wrote awhile ago, but it seems to sum up where "it" is for me at this point in my One Life.

~Aging Gracefully~

Oh, Pain!
You are my constant friend,
I feel you with me
Standing up straight and whenever I bend.

Oh, Teeth!
Gums receding as the tide,
Taking crowns, caps, and nightguards
Along for the ride.

Oh, Boobs!
All I can do is stand there
and cry, cry, cry.

Oh, Belly!
My joys in life are few:
Food, wine, and laughter with friends.
But why must you remind me
I'll pay for it in the end?

Oh, Death!
Every-present and lurking closer each day.
Searching for the path called:
"Aging the Graceful Way."

Oh, Joy!
Thankful for the infinite blessings
That I delightfully experience,
And for which my grateful heart sings.

One Life. Live It.