Children-Our Legacy

OK, I admit this is a questionable photo of my son and me. DCF might want to investigate my readiness to adequately raise a child according to the rules and morals of our western culture. At the time, the bottle was a great pacifier. Notice it wasn't tipped to allow him a sip. Regardless, my son has grown into a highly responsible and highly regarded young man of 21 years old. My husband and I did something right to ensure that. We were given a blank canvas when he was born, a composite of human "clay" that was perfect, and it was up to us to fashion that "human clay" into a polite, intelligent, and vibrant person who would contribute to society.

But, how do you do that effectively when you are going through personal and marital challenges, compounded by the demands of the outside world? When you are out in the world to make a name for yourself, and also inside a marriage as you learn to get along with another person who has quirky needs, how do you deal with that pressure, all the while ensuring that your child grow into a responsible and loving individual?

I always thought that motherhood (and fatherhood) brings out the best and worst in a person. I recall one horrible week when Arthur was in the midst of the Terrible Twos. Every day had been a battle, and this child who was always happy and agreeable had transformed into a small beast that growled and stomped and tantrummed. One day, I was pushed to The Edge. The edge that some people cross where they cause harm to their child's body and soul. It scared the hell out of me. As I sat on the floor next to him, both of us crying in pain and frustration, it dawned on me that no matter how educated or rich I was, I was reduced to the barest minimum of a human being. Thank God I had the sanity and strength of self to not cross that line. It made me think twice about how lucky my upbringing was so that I could separate Arthur from his behavior, and figure out how to get us both out of that horrible place.

As children, we're supposed to honor our parents, but what does it say about parents taking care of their children? What happens when parents neglect the physical and emotional health of their children, due to personal inadequacies which prevent them from thinking straight? I read an article about a teenager whose mother has cerebral palsy and whose father has developmental disabilities, but is otherwise functional. She has managed to graduate high school, yet still is able to take care of her parents, with whom she shares an incredibly close and rich relationship. The three of them have overcome major personal difficulties, and the parents were able to raise a wonderful, giving young woman who is planning to go on to college and become a teacher.

Our children teach us to be better than we think we can be. They also remind us of our failings. We can be better human beings when we take our parenting seriously. It is imperative for us as grown-ups to prepare our progeny the best way we can, as they are our future leaders. I find that in addition to all the activities we engage in together, it's in the quiet times before bed, or eating breakfast together, where we can pass on nuggets of wisdom. It's also in the way I treat my spouse that best shows my son how to get along with another person, even if we are in conflict. We shouldn't shelter our children from the consequences of our and their actions as we interact with life around us, for these are the life lessons they will require as they become adults. Our children are not our possessions; they are on loan to us, and it's our responsibility to them to show them how to be in the world.

You can get great parents who raise bad children, and you can get bad parents whose children demonstrate remarkable resilience and develop into giving and happy adults. We can do only the best we can in the moment. We are going to do something to our kids that will result in some scar tissue within them, but that's how they grow. If your parents' behavior resulted in some wound you can't seem to recover from, seek help. You'll be a better person for it, and a better parent. Mistakes are good, that's how we learn. But own up to them, be a model for your kids, and become more of who you were put on this earth to be. That is the legacy you can pass on to your children.

Gifted Souls

I came across a beautiful quote that appeared on my facebook page today and it really spoke to me:

Gifted souls enter this world and shine. All that surround them bathe in their light and their beauty. And when they are gone, their light is missed.
Challenged souls enter, stumble and fall. They pick themselves up and fall again. Eventually, they climb to a higher tier, where more stumbling blocks await them. Their accomplishments often go unnoticed—although their stumbling is obvious to all.
But by the time they leave, new paths have been forged, obstacles leveled, and life itself has gained a new clarity for all those yet to enter.
Both are pure souls, G-dly in essence. But while the gifted shine their light from Above, the challenged meet the enemy on its own ground. Any real change in this world is only on their account.
Provided by the Chabad.org - The WEB2.0 portal for everything Jewish

We know both kinds of souls. Some of us are brilliant, and live a charmed life where our greatest wishes, hopes, and dreams seem to come true with almost no effort on our part. We shine our tremendous light on others. We are charismatic, ebullient, almost too bright but always warmly welcomed for the energy we bestow on others.
Then, there's the rest of us. We stumble through life, tripping over ourselves or each other, and hopefully learning as we go. What's sad is that more often we seem to focus on the stumbling part, rather than the goals and knowledge that we have achieved. Injured souls seem to make the most creative people, for it seems that out of their pain comes the most intense beauty. Wounded healers are these stumbling souls, who have come through their pain and through the tunnel, and can pass on their wisdom to others if they are so inclined. These are the souls who truly change the world, as they have been to the depths and have returned with great gifts.
What type of soul are you? Who in your life is one of the Gifted? Who in your life is one of the Challenged? What can you learn from them?

Private Time

How do you make time "stand still"? Our lives seem to be so busy, full of activity and experiences and relationships, that time seems to speed by. All of a sudden, a week has passed and I feel that I've left things by the wayside. My plants aren't fertilized, dust balls collect in the corners, books go unread, craft projects stay in my head.... the list is almost endless. I wonder what happens to my time, and the way I spend it. Often, my time is filled with obligations, such as work or a meeting. Dinner becomes the only time my family is together, so we make the most of it.

But, what happens in my own private time? How can I make that more meaningful, and make it feel weightier, so that I don't feel cheated, or feel that time is whizzing right by me? What choices can I make that will allow me to feel my life is more sacred, more spiritual, and less splintered?

Freedom & Gratitude

Here in America, it is the 4th of July. It is our Independence Day. Many countries celebrate their own Independence Day. They are honoring the fact that whatever force that held them down is no longer controlling them and they can be free. Free to make their own decisions, however these decisions play out.

I know we in this country take our freedom for granted. We are born into it (many of us) and don't realize the true price for being able to say and do pretty much what we want, as long as we don't physically or otherwise harm another individual. I've known some people who immigrated here, and do not take our freedoms for granted at all. They worked very hard to attain citizenship, and they know what it's like to not have the power to exercise their freedom to do as they wish.

Our freedom is not free. There are many people all over the world who hate America and perhaps think of us as spoiled children, and sometimes we act that way. But, being able to express ourselves in almost infinite ways lends itself to being a bullseye for other less free people. They view our excesses and wish to condemn us, saying we are evil. When we have to defend ourselves in order to maintain our freedoms, that's when we realize that freedom costs us. For some, it costs them their lives.

This weekend, I am going to be doing the usual celebrating with cookouts and fireworks, friends, and music. But, I'll also be praying gratefully for the life I have and the endless freedoms that I enjoy. No one is standing over me, telling me what I have to wear, think, do, or say. If I get an idea in my head to do something, I can accomplish it with some hard work and I'll grow in the process. Freedom means growth and evolving, becoming more of my self. Without it, I stifle and die.

Being Grateful Despite your Expectations!

Gratefulness--what is it really?
Last night, I had to opportunity to attend a lovely outdoor concert on a gorgeous summer night. I met someone new, and reconnected with two old friends. The music was great, the company superb; indeed the entire experience leaves me with a smile. Instead of focusing on the heat, the crowd, the very slowness of our dinner arriving, causing us to miss part of the concert which all could've ended up spoiling the evening, I decided to focus on the positives.

Being grateful is all about focusing on the positive, even if there are some issues that don't meet with your expectations. Actually, having specific expectations, rather than being open to whatever happens, predisposes you to be disappointed when those expectations go unmet. Of course, it doesn't mean letting someone trample all over you. You must stick up for yourself when the situation warrants. Staying open to whatever happens, focusing on the positive, and being grateful for the entire experience causes your heart and soul to open, nurturing your growth in this universe. HaShem is there in all our moments, and for this alone, we are grateful!

Harvests

This week, I learned of the deaths of 2 dear friends of my family, both Jewish, who had obviously hoped to be inscribed in the book of life for another year but sadly it didn't happen that way. They may have been in the midst of their own personal harvesting, and however far they progressed, it was far enough on this earth. Neither person was elderly, so it was somewhat unexpected, but both were dealing with physical issues that ultimately claimed their lives. We just never know when it will happen to us, and that's probably a good thing, so that we can make the choice to live each day as if it were our last.
This week, don't sweat the small stuff, make amends where possible, and promise yourself that you will always do your best, whatever that level of "best" is at the time. All times are good times, some are just more challenging than others. When it gets really difficult, take a deep breath, know that there are people out here praying for you, know that HaShem has your best interests at heart, and that your soul is undergoing growth and tempering. You are preparing yourself for even bigger and better experiences.

Sukkot and Cycles

From Leviticus: "When you have gathered the the income of the land, you shall take for yourselves on the first day the fruit of the goodly trees, branches of palm trees, boughs of thick trees, and willows of the brook, and you shall rejoice before the Lord your God seven days. For seven days you shall dwell in huts... so that your generations will know that I made the children of Israel dwell in huts when I brought them out from the Land of Mitzrayim" (Lev. 23:33-44).

There is so much to glean in this passage! Gathering, Reaping from the growth of God's land, toil and hard work, Rejoicing, Fulfillment after hard work, remembering through the generations what our ancestors accomplished with God's help after leaving Egypt. The cycle is complete, yet still the wheel turns. Dwelling in a hut, while it is protective from the elements to an extent, is only temporary. We're not meant to live in one permanently. And they had to build these huts, as do we, every year. We have LL Bean and Eddie Bauer if we want a tent, but that's not the kind of dwelling we are permitted during Sukkhot. We need to look to Nature to provide our shelter, then apply our muscle and ingenuity to erect it--always open towards the skies. I've always loved this holiday, as it mesmerized me when I was younger. The sukkah always felt cozy, and smelled of pine branches and other green things, was always festively decorated, and it was fun to eat meals in it and pray in it. I'm not sure at that age that I felt what our ancestors experienced, but as I get older, I believe I get a glimmer of their world, if I imagine it hard enough. I can look up at the dark indigo sky at night and see the same constellations. I know what it feels like to be fulfilled after toil, and see the fruits of my labors. Humbling and uplifting, giving me pause to take stock and just bask in the golden glow of a job well done.

Most of us do not live in an agricultural community, so we miss out on the cycles of nature as they pertain to the land as its cultivated by human toil and God's blessings. We may not be able to feel just what the children of Israel felt, but we can still experience the cycle of growth in our lives by the goals we set for ourselves. We plant the seeds, we nurture their growth, and after our toil and favorable conditions, we reap what those seeds have blossomed into, and we grow in the process. Our struggles to live in this world and make something of our lives while we improve the world and hone our souls is akin to the cycle of seasons that permits the goodly trees and other growing things to do their thing.

The Road Ahead

As you contemplate your life this time of year, and make the promise to yourself to do better, know that most of us are doing a similar reflection and rededication. Times like this are necessary in life to stop and take stock of where you are going, where you have been, and where you would like to go. Of course, all we can say with certaintude is where we have been. We don't know where we are going. We don't know where the road will take us. We don't know God's plan for us. We can set up expectations and goals and pray for certain outcomes, holding out hope that things will work out in our favor. But we just don't know where we'll end up. How often I have said that something I've experienced is so much better than I ever could have imagined. Or that never in my wildest dreams did I expect to find myself in a certain situation.
What does it take to live a life so open to any and all experiences, that we can just roll with life as it unfolds? Like a surfer on the waves, we react and respond to what comes our way, maintaining balance and calm, using whatever resources we have cultivated for this purpose. As you are contemplating your life this holiday, stop and pause and take stock of all that is good. And where you find yourself lacking, pledge to cultivate whatever seeds are necessary to encourage the growth where you need it to be a more responsive and loving human being.

Doorways

Endings and beginnings... doorways to the future and past. I'm not one to make "new year's resolutions" for I tend to pay more attention to things like the seasonal changes, or my birthday, as signposts for growth. However, any opportunity to stop and take stock of life is a good one. Standing in that doorway and looking back to see what you've learned and how you have matured is always helpful. Getting stuck there is not. But, take that in-between moment and savor it, because it is neither past nor future. The past is done, and you are greeting the future. Your future can be shaped by your past actions, certainly, but you also have the power to make other choices. To repair where it is needed, no matter how difficult a task that may be.... but, for this moment, on the cusp, just pause and enjoy the beauty of the present.
Open your heart to All That Is, and let the sensation and beauty of that wash over you. You are a perfect being, containing everything there ever was and will be.
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Vulnerability

My thoughts center around vulnerability. There are many times we have all felt at the bottom of the hole, at the end of our rope, believing that we have exhausted all the resources that we can think up, and we are left with no power or control. It is in that moment we feel the most vulnerable and lost, and the most in need of help. It is also hardest to reach out for help, for we feel completely disempowered and out of control. Even with a strong belief in Ha Shem or any higher power, somehow, we still aren't balanced, we are off-center.
In that most desperate of moments, if we can only remember that all of us have experienced something that has left us vulnerable, the most powerful thing we can do for ourselves is to reach out, however feebly and weakly may be our attempt, and that somehow, our small voice carries our pain into someone's heart who can reach out to help us. The most heroic thing one can do is reach out when one is in pain. At that point, rescue comes in every conceivable (and most times, inconceivable) ways.
Even in your most vulnerable, seemingly powerless state, you always have the power to reach out and say "I hurt, I need help" and allow your closed heart to open to the miracle that will most certainly come to you. Every closed door opens another door, and those passages are what makes us able to help others and further each other's growth. Take the gifts that come to you and use them to move out of the pain you are in.
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New Year's Eve 2008

Well, here it is, another New Year's Eve. Why does it feel that there have not been 365 days that have elapsed since our last celebration? Feels more like maybe 200.... I guess the older I get, the smaller the years get, fractionally anyways. I mean, when I was 4, one year was 1/4 of my life. Now that I'm 49, one year is really small, 1/49th of my life. Scary, huh?

One thing I gave up doing a few years ago was making resolutions. What seems to be a good goal at one moment in time morphs into something completely different over the ensuing months. Some people may want to mark the passage of time using the Gregorian Calendar, began at the time of Jesus' birth. Not I, necessarily. For birthdays, yes. But for more sacred soul-growing I find other timeframes to be more effective.

I like using the moon phases. Start something at the new moon, feed and nurture it and let it grow, then either keep it going through the next moonth, or let it finish during the dark moon. Seasonal changes are also useful helpers when it comes to growing a more authentic life. Plant things in the spring, nuture them through the summer, harvest in the autumn, and rest in the winter. Not everything is so cut and dried, especially when it comes to "growing the soul", but it sure helps to have a framework into which I can chart my progress.

So, let the champagne corks pop, revel with family and friends, and make a promise to yourself that you will keep that will ensure your growth into a more magnificent human being this year. Happy Happy!