I Love You, Mom

I Love You, Mom.
It's difficult for me to know if you still know who I am. If you know who you were in this lifetime, and why you have loved ones still around you, helping to ease you into this rite of passage. I wonder if there is still a part of you that fully recalls the faces of your daughters and your husband, makes the connection in your heart, and that still continues to convey pleasure for you. You were the most patient of mothers, kind and sweet, and so happy to be a mother to us. You were a positive role model to your daughters in the way you raised us. You tempered dad's short-fused outbursts with radiant sunshine, like a perfect rose-kissed June summer day.

Hot, fiery tears have fallen upon my pillow in the last few years, sobs have wracked my world. I've sadly said farewell to the mom I knew. You've slowly slipped away from us. You look like Sandra. Your eyes are still that deep doe-brown. But those eyes aren't always seeing what is there. The tangled brain is twisting it into unrecognizable form. Hazy, impermanent. But, sometimes, I think I see a spark. That you're still in there. Still with us in a conscious way. But, like an ember on a breezy night, the spark brightens and then it's extinguished. Poof. Gone. But, you were with us for a brief moment.

I treasure those moments. They are becoming more rare. It occurs to me that there is still one thing that will always connect with you, no matter if you know who anyone is or not, and that is LOVE. You can feel safe and comforted and be taken care of until you take your last breath. As heart-wrenching as it is to see you drift away from us, we can shower you with love when we are with you, so that you'll feel at peace.

I love you, mom.

A mind body conflict

Yes, it's been a long time coming. I apologize for my lack of contact. It's been very busy!

This photo was taken in early April in a small town outside of Seoul, Korea. The Mothers are in the middle of the photo, then the Fathers, and then the Children. We were celebrating our families uniting by the sacrament of our childrens' marriage. Korean style! It was a trip will we never forget. Engulfed in their culture through the food and and the rich history and our daughter-in-law's loving family, we look forward to our next trip.

Surprisingly, my body did very well keeping up, for the most part. My body and I don't always seem to agree on everything. I'm an expert at falling without killing myself, so far, but that doesn't mean I still don't sustain some bodily injury. I think falling last winter tweaked my right hip area, and I'm dealing with the consequences. Owie. Staying physically active seems to get a bit more challenging each year I'm blessed with life. But, I keep at it. Better to deal with the pain and discomfort because I'm using the muscles, rather than wasting away and becoming a lump. Oy, the vessels for our souls are indeed fragile and not always reliably healthy.

Moving here from the east coast eight years ago has had a profound affect on my life. There is a great deal that I miss not living where it's green with old forests and stone walls. Where precipitation of any form is usually something that happens on a regular basis. It's gotten to the point where I actually crave the sound of rain so much, I downloaded an app that lets me enjoy the sound of "free" water in its many forms, and that seems to calm me down. Even though the weather is just short of Paradise, it is still really dry. The overcast marine layer is welcomed, at least by me. Dry in one sense of the word, yet still humid enough to make my closet smell like a musty basement! I miss "home" although this place is very slowly becoming that. Except that I'm entertaining the idea of being cremated when the time comes and scattering my ashes on both coasts.

At least my mind is staying rather active. I love learning new things. I'm still in school, and will be for the rest of my life. This time, it's to gather knowledge about the green world. The world of Flora, of plants, and gardens, and how to nurture them. What began as curiosity and wanting to know about what grows here, has bloomed and blossomed into a real serious interest. Not sure where I am headed, but there have been some noteworthy guides along the way.

So, there's been this concept that has been floating around me for the last several years, and it finally seems to be taking recognizable shape. I'll call it "Flora" for now... like a new daughter. A concept centering around the Roles of Teacher, Healer, Guide, and Woman of the Earth, kind of like the Empress in the Tarot. Expanding upon my work in Connecticut, but in an entirely new shape and form. Focusing on the Health of the Soil, to Improve the Health of the Plants, and of all Life that is in that Space. Making a Sanctuary; a Space where Sacred Healing can take place. TLC for Your Garden and You. There will be more to follow, I promise!

While I've been busy attending class, and meeting new people, expanding my network, and starting to make a name for myself, I've had this gnawing and annoying pest in the back of my mind. Nothing physical (not that I'm aware of anything there), but more on a spiritual, soul-ful level. As in: will I have enough time to do everything I want to do? Can my body and mind keep up? Will they?

Sex is already a joke. Why aren't people honest about that fact of life?? Things happen to one's body that certainly affects how something so pleasurable isn't always as much fun as it used to be! I never heard Dr. Ruth really talk about that. I miss those days of old when the body could pretty much do whatever it wanted, and there were fewer consequences! Now the notion of You Gonna Play, You are Gonna Pay really gets driven home. Taking a couple of days to get over a hangover makes it not worth drinking so much. Even if it feels good while you're doing it. I can't sit for long. I can't stand for long. I can't walk miles and miles. Kneeling is fun. Not looking like a laughingstock as I try to get up is a challenge. I laugh at myself as I get up in the morning. At least I'm getting up, though.

The path lies ahead. May we all be blessed with as much time as we need to say what we came here to say, to do what we came here to do, and to share as much of our love as we can.

Solstice Sunset

All week, I've been thinking about those poor babies and the caring women from Newtown who gave their lives so suddenly, and I have cried for them many times. Instead of reading or watching the news, I've taken a break, more or less. Letting the emotions arise and just observing them. Feeling so achingly sad for the parents and siblings and family members of those who died. And feeling immensely grateful that my son got to grow up and make a life for himself (and now with his new wife).

Today, I saw an article about the murderer. He was so brilliant, it seemed he was beyond the spoken word.

Until last week. He screamed volumes then.

These precious little children and women, whose energy has been stolen from our realm; they no longer have a voice.

Whatever was going on in this family's home, we may never know the extent of it. It is difficult to feel compassion for him. But, something really awful must have been going on inside him, for him to carry out this horrible murder against innocent and defenseless victims. His action is reverberating into the universe.

I live in a relatively stable country. I don't have bombs and artillery affecting my life in some dire, routine way. Yet, it seems that more people are taking more lives in more violent ways (there was yet another shooting today that killed 4 people). For a country that is so civilized and intelligent and advanced, we still treat our children and elderly and the infirm in some pretty despicable ways. And, then there are these senseless acts of violence.... No matter how advanced our knowledge and development, it seems that we can never escape evil's influence in our lives.

Our only counter-force is to bring in more light, more healing, greater peace, and more gratitude. To open our hearts wider. Let us pray for all the families who have suffered from having a loved one taken too suddenly. Let us pray for hearts to be soothed, and for souls to be comforted. Let us pray for courage and strength, and for trust and peace.

May your week be brilliant. Shabbat shalom.   (this photo was taken as I walked to my car after work. as I entered the outside from where I'd been cooped up all day, the brilliant colors of the solstice sunset were turned up to "high impact." later, at home, I noticed a ring around the moon, signaling a change in the weather. B"H, creation is a blessing to be witnessed and treasured.)

Considering Elderhood

Truth be told, I'm early into my 6th decade, so not exactly an elder, but I'm approaching that status. God willing I arrive there, as my MIL would say, and she's 100% correct. Some of us don't make it out of childhood. Some of us get past the century mark. Life expectancy has no rhyme or reason. Some day, we'll all turn to dust. The most precious of relationships becomes the air of memory, the ache in the heart, the shiny heads-up penny. A collection of still images that will forever reside in our brains as long as we are respirating and sentient.

I've got alot of hereditary mind-stealing challenges to overcome before my dotage. In about 25 years, if I take after my mother, my sharp, curious, and restless mind will turn into something else. That scares me. If I take after my dad, he's still doing pretty well, considering all his physical challenges. He's strong, like bull. But, just in case it happens to me, how do I want to spend this next quarter of a century? How do I want to make these years count? How do I want to spend the quality time contained in the next ~9100 days?

How do I come to peace with what has overtaken my beloved mother and father? How have these challenges affected their lives, made it more difficult, but also more rewarding? What is my role as first daughter/oldest child?

It gets me to thinking how I want to plan my last party. The music I want to play. What words I would like to say to sum it all up. The wisdom I've acquired along the way. What's mattered the most to me. The triumphs over many struggles. How do I want to ride off into the sunset?

One life. Live it.

Enjoying the last light of the day in the personal oasis that is my tiny piece of terra firma (or sometimes not-so-firma, living in earthquake-prone California as I do)... I am searching for some inspiration for a gift to create for someone special, and came upon the phrase that is the title of today's posting.

Aging, mortality, choices, transitions, all these challenges are swirling around in my brain these last several years. I suppose living a Half-Century has something to contribute to this realm of thought. What a gift to make it this far! And my father-in-law is 90 tomorrow. THAT is a celebration! Should everything align properly, we will be celebrating all together this weekend. What a blessed event it will be!

I now have my mantra for this stage of my life: One life. LIVE it. How do I make whatever years, days, months, hours & minutes I have left COUNT? Where do my head, heart, & soul need to be to make it all worthy? and worthwhile?

We experience moments in life when it's all happy, bright and smooth sailing. Then, those big waves come and try to topple our small but sturdy life raft. I recently read Unbroken by Lauren Hillenbrand, the author of Seabiscuit. Louie Zamperini was aboard a B-24 plane on the way to Japan during WWII and was shot down. He and 2 other men survived over a month in a life raft, only to be captured, then tortured for over 2 years in a Japanese P.O.W. camp, which he also survived. He was on his way to becoming a famous Olympic athlete when the war interrupted his plans. The billboard message that was in my head when I finished the book was: When life throws uncontrollable shift at you, how will you respond?

And, since this is the only life I have, once I think "it," I have to live "it." Or live with it.... whatever "it" is.

IT could be going to school, learning something new, meeting new people, mastering the art of something, taking on a new role, going down an unfamiliar path, in an unfamiliar country, or whatever might be on your own personal bucket list.

This is a poem I wrote awhile ago, but it seems to sum up where "it" is for me at this point in my One Life.

~Aging Gracefully~

Oh, Pain!
You are my constant friend,
I feel you with me
Standing up straight and whenever I bend.

Oh, Teeth!
Gums receding as the tide,
Taking crowns, caps, and nightguards
Along for the ride.

Oh, Boobs!
All I can do is stand there
and cry, cry, cry.

Oh, Belly!
My joys in life are few:
Food, wine, and laughter with friends.
But why must you remind me
I'll pay for it in the end?

Oh, Death!
Every-present and lurking closer each day.
Searching for the path called:
"Aging the Graceful Way."

Oh, Joy!
Thankful for the infinite blessings
That I delightfully experience,
And for which my grateful heart sings.

One Life. Live It.

9/11/11 - A Day of Remembrance & Healing

Our plans changed and I am home. In many ways, I'm glad I'm home for this somber 10 year anniversary of a day that will live in infamy. A day that changed our world forever. And, here we are, a decade later. If you gave birth on that day, your child is probably a fifth grader. You've aged an entire decade, which brings you statistically closer to your demise. Alot has happened to each of us in those ten years. The world is a different place. Maybe that is said with each major milestone in our collective history, I don't know.... I just got a chill as I heard 4 large resonant booms outside. Could be Camp Pendleton On Alert. The world is a scarier place these days. So much poverty and crime and homeless, starving children and families. Too much abused power, killing, maiming, and otherwise damaging ourselves and our universe. I haven't got an answer. But, there is one, small thing I can do. On a regular basis. That, when my energy is included with all of yours, and the rest of the praying, compassionate, and co-healing world, we can give beauty back instead of adding more hatred and darkness.

I was living in CT at the time, and remember the day very well. My son had just begun his 3rd form year at a prestigious prep school. I was a nervous wreck, as I had no way to get hold of him. We were all numb with shock and fear. Even today, when I see videos of the airplanes hitting the towers, and people jumping out of windows, and the buildings incredibly falling before my eyes, it chokes me up. We went on a family long weekend to NYC just before the winter holidays. Rockefeller Center was be-decked with flags. We left our prayers by the chain link fence wrapped around the giant holes of death and destruction. The mood was sad, but hopeful. People were sharing stories, and it seemed like the world was a nicer place, for a little while, anyways. We held benefits for the many charities that could help out the survivors. I was not one of the unlucky group to have known someone who was killed, however, the experience profoundly touched me, as it affected our entire planet.

So, on the anniversary of 9/11, on a day that changed all of us, please send out whatever loving, peaceful, light-filled, healing, compassionate, joyous energy you can muster into the universe. Shabbat shalom, and may this week be one of shedding old baggage and making a pure, open space for whatever it is you need at this moment in your life. It's the most perfect time to do this.

A Half Century of Life Experience

In the age of the universe, fifty years is a crumb of a crumb of a crumb of time. In the age of a human, it is more significant. Some folks never make it this far. What I want to know is how did I arrive here so quickly? Emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, have I accumulated enough wisdom to show for 50 years?


Now, physically, that's a different story. There are mornings I awaken and feel twice my age! Getting a personal trainer to work out with first thing Monday mornings sets my week up in a positive way. Sure, the old bod doesn't move as quickly or lithely as it used to, and it takes longer to get going in the morning. If I hurt myself, it takes a little longer to heal. Where I could get all juiced up just thinking about sex, that part takes a little longer to get going, too. At least I'm avoiding the hot flashes, so far. My gynecologist says my cervix is still pink, still vibrant, still pre-menopausal. Oh, joy. My periods stopped ten years ago after a procedure that left everything intact, but made it so I wouldn't have to suffer the horrible pains of menstruation (it saved my life and my marriage). The only way to know I'm in menopause is not cessation of bleeding, as is customary, but observing the other changes that may accompany this next phase of my life. Not having to deal with the crazy periods makes this aging thing a little easier, I think! For once, the cyclical nature of being female will not cause me angst.


But what I cannot stand is receiving mail from AARP. I'm going to send it back to them, telling them they can stick it where the sun doesn't shine, and take me off your list, thank you very much! And, all the so-called experts advising me that now I'm 50, I have to do all these things or I'm going to die. Like, tomorrow. Though I'm taking those vitamins, and having some of those invasive tests, it is even of more dire consequence to do all those things, and quickly. OK, I've scheduled my first colonoscopy in a couple of weeks. If all goes well, that's it for 10 years. Check that off my list. Keep an eye on my weight.... why do the pounds creep up when I'm eating less? And why do men not have it as difficult? Why do I have to look older than I feel? Gravity is not such a great thing when everything heads south. I see a much slimmer person in my mind's eye than looks back at me in the mirror. One of these days, maybe I'll just realize and accept that fact, but not yet. My face is nice. I like the softness of it, sculpted by the wrinkles around my eyes. Several years ago, I did a self-portrait. Mind you, I'm no artist, but I have to say it came really close to illustrating the woman I saw inside myself. It seemed to show my inner strength and serenity.


I think I'm most afraid of this: losing my vitality. I have to get through my head that vitality isn't always due to physical energy or prowess, but more to an inner light and vibrancy. It means staying elastic and flexible, even if the body isn't always cooperative. It means keeping my brain alert by reading, learning, and constant stimulation.



In my mid-30's, I had my "dark night of the soul" and dove to the depths of my inner self. I cast off any beliefs that no longer had any use, and adopted new ones that made sense. It was a long, painful, but ultimately satisfying journey. Perhaps that is why I don't feel any huge push to go through that all over again at this point in my life. The invitation to that journey seems to be knocking on the door at 50...and it isn't Avon calling! It seems that the part of me that's looking for a challenge will need to find it somewhere else.


******************************************

The previous paragraphs were begun nearly two years ago, on 09/09/09, just after I celebrated my half-century mark. My husband, son, younger sister and girlfriend plotted and planned this incredible celebration 3 weeks before my birthday and it was a night I will always remember. Set upon the cliffs of Dana Point overlooking the Pacific Ocean on a perfectly gorgeous mid-summer evening, we were graced with a magnificent sunset. Family and friends gathered round, supping and laughing and sharing many delightful moments. On my actual birthday, which occurred on Labor Day weekend, we had a huge party and saluted the just-past-full moon with tequila shots. The next morning, I could not sleep in. The painter was coming to work on a space where he required entrance to the house. I had to let him in, though I felt as if I were still drunk. I think I was, but I went to the gym to work out with my trainer. Was I nuts? I don't know about that, but it was one of my best workouts, other than the fact that about halfway through, my trainer noticed an odd odor emanating from me.... I was sweating tequila. It was a scent that wasn't entirely disgusting, but not entirely pleasant either. Makes for a funny memory.


Since then, I've gone back to school, this time for horticulture. Finally, I have some idea what grows around here. The non-descript yard we originally inhabited nearly 6 years ago has blossomed into an unmanicured but mostly tidy refuge for hummingbirds, lizards, beetles, finches, and even rats. It's a bit overgrown in spots, and there are plants looking to take over the house, but it's cozy with an awesome view. I've made it our own Precious Oasis. I enjoy spending many hours weeding, puttering, planning, trimming, composting. This year, we aquired a patio heater, but haven't used it much. We're hardly ever home. So much to explore around here, places to go, food to eat, people to be with. Yes, I do miss cooking, but I'm not overly fond of my kitchen. In fact, on one of our motorcycle trips, I stumbled upon a cute wooden sign that said "I have a kitchen because it came with the house." Everyone who sees it hanging in aforementioned kitchen gets a good laugh from it.


Back to an institution of higher learning, for my mind. And becoming the Bitch on the Back, for my marriage. Last year, we bought a Harley Davidson Trike. Even got a vanity plate that says, "R TRIKE" as a play on our last name. It gives us something to do together. My body doesn't appreciate it very much, so I have to limit my time, but I love feeling the wind in my face, and going to new places. We've met some nice people, too. They might look like grizzled ex-hippies, but they are down to earth and alot of fun.


Some great things have happened in the last couple of years. Our son met a lovely woman, thanks to his dad who fixed them up. We may be aquiring a daughter by marriage, though it feels that way already. She is fun to be with, intelligent, very caring, and she keeps up with our crazy family. I knew the moment we met that she was the one. Unless my son reads this, he doesn't know that I know that. But, it doesn't matter, because he knows that. We all figure it's a done-deal, or at least we wish for it to happen. They are a great pair. She's brings out the best in him, sides of him I hoped were there, but didn't always experience. He is a gentleman. He is funny. He is motivated. His father and I are humbled by and proud of his accomplishments.


My son's career has provided me with a means of employment that may not be my ideal, but it's serving many needs right now. Depending on my progess with my studies, I hope to be able to take advantage of ever-increasing opportunities to work in a horticultural setting. That foundation and network will be the impetus for launching Precious Oasis in the next several years, in whatever form it will take. At some point, the balance will swing more towards that direction and it will be time to move on. I don't have a lot of time left, so I have to get moving.


In the last 2 years, my parents have undergone dramatic changes. Dad is the stronger one, both physically and mentally. Every time I've seen my mom, she has become more gaunt, and her mind is changing. It's sad, because there's alot of life left to share, and we have limited opportunities. I feel like we're going to miss out on these last years together. Living so far apart, it's not easy making the trip, but I go when I can. It adds up to less than 2-3 weeks a year. I'm not at peace with that. The other part of the frustrating equation is not being there to help out one of my sisters, who lives close to them and is always the one to step in at a moment's notice. How will I know it's time to spend less time working, more time with them, and change my trajectory once again? I am blessed, so overly blessed with the fact that my spouse makes a great living, and I am free to pursue my interests.


I'm also not at peace with possibly losing my faculties in 20-25 years, so I am doing what I can to stay active in mind and body. My husband lets me rest, grudgingly. He has "schpilkis" which is Yiddish for ENERGY. He's like the Eveready Rabbit. In our family, we call it "Schmekkies" which is the term my son coined when he was younger. But, he is determined to keep me young and active for as long as possible. I, too, am determined. I joined a great gym. Took up light jogging. Went back on an eating plan we used 15 years ago where I lost some serious weight. It's one way to keep things lubricated. I've learned one bit of wisdom in 50 years: you don't use it, you most certainly will lose it. It's a great strategy for getting rid of some things, like outworn beliefs. When you just stop thinking about something, it vanishes from your life. When you neglect to pay attention to some things, they fall away, and other, more important things take their place.


I used to be involved in a great quantity of spiritual endeavors, healing work, and passing on of knowledge. That has all taken an extended hiatus. But, I've also gotten involved in other new areas and have gleaned rewards from those experiences. Perhaps it will come full circle, but in a different form than I am familiar with. It's already happening, if I count my sorely-neglected blog. A little more discipline might be necessary. I've had a difficult time finding something I'm passionate about doing, maybe that's why discipline has become a dirty word for me. Hey, I am fairly regular about exercise, I realize that it's an important priority in my life. And, I am going back to school to hone an area of interest. I think back on all the things I've spent time learning and doing in my life: taking sax lessons and playing in a band, all my craft knowledge using various media, getting a masters degree, opening a private practice and getting involved in the community, and being a mom and wife. All have honed my soul and introduced me to incredible people and events.


I sometimes refer to myself as a spoiled bitch. I am most certainly spoiled, but I don't see myself as a mean-spirited, ungrateful, uncaring female. At least, not most of the time. I do have my moments. Blame it on the female maturation cycle that is coursing through my body in its various forms. I'm not always proud of my behavior, so this moodiness tends not to be welcomed with open arms. However, in the words of my deepest heart, I am truly blessed and grateful to be where I am today, surrounded with love, opportunity, and plenty of laughter. I don't want the show to end.

Gaining a bit of perspective on the 2nd half (or so) of life, until we meet again, may you be graced with moments of comfort, wisdom, and the giggles. In spirit....

Another Year Bites the Dust.... (soon)

This is an amazing sunrise viewed outside my back door. One thing about living in coastal California that I have come to appreciate is the weather. Specifically, the stormy weather we sometimes receive, and its aftereffects. This last week was such a storm, a record-setter in fact. I don't have official numbers, but I think we got as much rain in a week as we normally get in a year. Back east, this would be something that happens practically every weekend!

The roads here are basically storm drains. They channel water away from hillsides and structures. If anyone saw video from Laguna Beach, you know of what I write. The muddy run-off water from Laguna Canyon was running straight down the main drags into the ocean, stronger than the waves coming in off the Pacific. Roads built for this purpose are not ones to be driven upon, but that is what Californians do. How else will they get to work, and in this case, being the week before Christmas, to the malls? I, myself, had a couple of torturous experiences in California traffic this week. But, with all that behind me, it's time to move on.

The good thing about rain is that it provides us with free water. I shut off my irrigation system about two months ago. Not that I use much water in the first place. In addition to the free stuff falling from the sky, we also get these incredible cloud formations. When the sun rises or sets, the sky produces the perfect canvas for Mother Nature's sculptured paintings. Their constantly changing form and colors will leave you awe-inspired, amazed, and totally thankful for your life.

There is a curious phenomemon out here that I have viewed, and also have participated in. It is taking pictures of the sunset. Clouds make the resulting picture more artistically composed, in my opinion, as they give the photo depth, height, and interest. Sure, the sun setting over Catalina Island does look nifty in a clear sky, but a photo taken with more varied and ever-changing colors and shapes adds a sense of uniqueness and a feeling of "I'll never see this again, it's a special moment." However, viewing a sunrise takes preparation or maybe some luck. If you have to get up to go to work early in the morning, sunrises are nothing new. If, however, you are not necessarily an early riser and something gets you up before the sun, you have been blessed with a rare opportunity to catch a scene such as that captured above. I have been on retreats where the sunrise was too important to miss, and was always rewarded with a surprise. One year, I saw a deer dancing in a field. Another year, I saw it rise over high desert mountains. Any way it happens, it will get your attention.

As I grow to be ever-inspired by my life out here, I invite you to see what inspires you in your life. As I contemplate the end of another year of my existence at this point in history, I reflect upon the births and deaths that occured this year. Two events that come to mind involve some very close friends that I have had the privilege to come to know since moving here. One couple gave birth earlier this year, the other couple just lost their beloved fur-kid. One a very happy and joyous occasion, and the other one is very sad. My heart fills up when I think of either event, and I realize that I can't have one without the other. I wouldn't know happiness if I didn't know sadness, suffering, and pain. And I wouldn't know sadness if I didn't have the joyous moments that make up my life, too.

For Clara, you are a special girl. May you grow into a beautiful and compassionate woman. For Sundance, you brightened many people's lives and gave much pleasure and laughter. May you find all your friends over the Rainbow Bridge.

Over and out. for now.

Self Reflection

Hitbodedut is the art of looking within one's deepest self, contemplating what is discovered, and continuing on the journey in a state of higher enlightenment. Unlike Narcissus's superficial consideration of his "self," the self-reflection of Hitbodedut goes deeper, into the dark muddiness we carry around inside of us. This "rest stop" along our journey can be fraught with fear, confusion, even shame. We need to summon our courage to peel away those layers to get to the heart of the matter.

In my counseling practice, it was important to provide a safe and non-judgmental place where this often painful process could unfold. That's why it's vitally important that we each do that with our selves when we venture into those mysterious, musty corners. To be non-judgmental and realize that we did the best we could at that moment in time. Hindsight is where we figure out what we could've done better, but that kind of realization only comes with experience, so we can't blame ourselves if we didn't act or think a certain way at a certain time in our lives. If we can make sense of things and come to peace with what's happened in our lives, it can only help us be more "whole" and more integrated. Wiser. To break unhelpful patterns and detrimental ways of thinking about ourselves and the world.

Be kind and gentle with your self this week, and with each other. I know I need to be.

I've known "something" is up, since my body has been sending out all kinds of signals lately. Tonight, as I walked the dog (I desperately needed to get some fresh air, after being cooped up in an office the last 2 days), I felt a nudge which succeeded in pushing me down. Fortunately, it was a gentle nudge, and other than dirty pants, I fell fairly gracefully and don't believe I sustained any extensive injuries. At my age, I know I need to be more careful! I've been nudged several times in my life. Some nudges were more gentle and beautiful--such as when I went walking at sunrise at a retreat many years ago, and stopped to look at distant hills when my head was "re-positioned" by an invisible hand and I witnessed a deer literally cavorting in a field! Other times have been quite painful and I am still suffering from the effects!

So, as I sit down tonight to contemplate what's poking me for attention, I hope you will take some time this week to do some hitbodedut yourself. If you would like an ear, I am available, or just contact a trusted friend or family member. We're all here to help each other, to listen with the "ear" in our h-ear-ts. Shabbat shalom, and my you have moments of light this week.

p.s. in case you're wondering about the photo up top, it's from the elevator of the Standard hotel in New York's West Side, near the new elevated walkway. I was there several weeks ago, and had a blast. I love NY! (not the Yankees, but the city!). If you're there, please check out the new walkway (what a creative way to keep a bit of history and make it totally current for today). As a budding horticulturist, I appreciated the use of grasses and native trees, and the way the whole area comes together harmoniously along with the joy and beauty it gives to the city. The hotel was a kick! A disco pool at the almost-rooftop bar, and baby hot tubs, fake grass and comfy seating up on top. Plus, a killer view of the city and the Statue of Liberty. The place was packed on a hot late-summer Sunday afternoon. The video in the darkened elevator was a sort of acid trippy psychedelically colorful version of Dante's Inferno, constantly playing scenes of the darkness and light of life's events. Perfect for this blog entry!

So Happy It's Friday....

When you feel ready to crack, what do you do? Where do you go? How do your actions help you understand the patterns in your life? Do you react to stress in effective ways? Or do you let it build up until you explode with rage/pain/anger/sadness/distrust/imbalance? When do you know you're getting close to the boiling point? Do you take steps to alleviate the pressure? If not, what happens to get you into that TNT-moment?

In many ways, we are being pulled in so many different directions. We multi-task, we are over-involved with the world around us (think media overdose), and we don't give ourselves the permission to take a break. To enjoy a slow meal with the family. To talk about the day with each other, to laugh with each other. We don't give ourselves quiet time to think, or read a nice book, or make something with our hands. Or tend a garden. No wonder why time feels as if it is spinning too quickly.

This week, please take some time for yourself, if you don't already do that. Take just 5 minutes a day, all to yourself. Go sit outside and listen to the birds, enjoying a drink of water, or tea. or wine. whatever works for you. Inhale, exhale, slowly filling your body with air. Give yourself permission to let go for just a little while. Explore every one of your senses, and observe what you sense. That's all. Just five minutes.

Hello, is anybody out there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it's been 3 months. Had lots of stuff wandering through my synapses, but nothing that prodded me to sit and write it here. Part of that stemming from old insecurities and that damn incessant audio tape that tells me over and over that no one pays attention to what I have to say, and even if they do, is what I say really helpful?

Of course, we all have a valid voice, that's what I tell myself to counteract and disprove my old worn-out belief. I know that what I say matters. We all need a pat on the back now and then, not so much from others (though that is encouraging), but from ourselves. Most of us are too hard on ourselves, yours truly included. We forget that we are each a sacred being, and all part of a wider universe. All our energies are connected and interdependent. In Kaballah, since we all contain a piece of the Sacred Essence, which also contains a piece of each of us, we truly are all connected.

If that is the case, why are we all trying to destroy each other and the places in which we live?

Why do we interfere with the order of things with our "seemingly superior" intelligence?

What makes us think and act as if we own this world, and can "control" and understand everything about it?

Why are we all so arrogant about who should have control over the "lesser ones"? Each group believes they have The Answer. But, every solution has a higher price to be paid by certain segments in our society. The most powerful have the most money, the loudest voices, the most influence. There's always going to be someone on top, subjugating those below.

How do we truly and honestly "teach a person to fish?" Our culture has changed. Intsead of taking the time to pass on certain skills to empower others, we just give shit out. We encourage weakness and dependence, and we disable the best in each other. People don't have a chance to realize what they can do to improve their lives. We take the easy way out. Except, we lose something in the process. We lose the connection to each other. We used to know our neighbors. We used to be able to leave our doors unlocked. The world was less life-threatening in many ways.

Sure, we didn't have the technology to deal with lots of things: disease, illness, ways of getting more things done with greater efficiency. And we didn't have instant communication with people across the world. While these developments have certainly taken us out of the "dark ages" and is certainly a testament to our creativity and brain power, there is a huge price to be paid in terms of our survivability as a species.

We are more callous with each other. Instead of seeing each other face to face, we face a computer screen. It's alot different when we can watch each other's expressions and see our effect on each other. We don't have as much respect, or responsibility. People are "victimized" and need/are entitled to some sort of "compensation" for their "pain". Some of these cases are truly tragic: children are molested and/or killed, animals and elderly are tortured, the list of assaults is long. What sane group of supposedly superior beings kills their own kind? Disrespects elders? Assaults those who cannot defend themselves? Animals do that... and we're supposed to be stewards of this universe? WTF???

I know this sounds negative and discouraging, because when I witness the lack of compassion and its effects on each other, it makes me mad. It spurs me into action to do something good. Give someone a hug, a smile, say a kind word or two. I do my best to pass on something of beauty rather than something of destruction. Not that I don't swear at the stupid driver that almost hit me, calling him/her some manner of unfavorable and uncomplimentary names... if only we would all just pay more attention to what is going on around us in the moment, maybe there would be less pain in the world... and fewer stupid drivers.

To Batya

It is nearing sunset, the Shekhinah is about to descend, when we let go of the real world for a time, to enter our deepest selves. To connect with some larger force that helps us be better human beings.

I've known this certain woman for several years. We met in cyberspace on my long distance healing prayer list, and even spoke on the phone once or twice. We never did get the opportunity to meet in person, but we kept in touch. I knew she was ill, and it was touch and go for awhile. Things were going well, and I realized a few months ago that I hadn't heard from her in quite awhile. Fearing the worst, I sent emails. Up until a few weeks ago, they didn't get bounced back. I now began to realize that she must have passed away, and I had no way of really knowing, since I'd had no contact with anyone in her family or anyone who knew her from the prayer list. At work today, it was pretty slow, and my mind began to wander. I googled her name, and the first thing to come up was a wonderful article in a local newspaper about her passing. She was a real activist in the city where she lived and worked, and well-respected by all her knew her.

Batya's yahrzeit is coming up, and I'd like to honor her somehow. It feels kind of weird to want to write her husband a short note, but I want for him to know that she touched another soul, many miles away. So, then, with her life passing like a soft, quiet, but deep and wise wave, I'd like to offer an opportunity for each of us to focus on what truly matters in this world: each other. We have a responsibility to each other to be stewards for one another, and for the place in which we live. This doesn't mean sowing seeds of enmity and out-of-control power and ego. There is so much hatred and venom present in the world today, we need to be on hyper-alert towards its effects.

Rather than separating the "haves" from the "have-nots" -- and that's with anything that is esteemed in our culture, from large screen tvs to smart phones to fake boobs to no wrinkles -- we need to do away with classifications that shackle people into certain groups. You're gonna be rich, or not. You're gonna be successful, or not. You're gonna be loved, or not. Hey, we all don't have the benefit of a "perfect" life; some of us are starving, some of us can't get the help we need to honestly get back on our feet, some of us are ill and suffering. Some of us are even near death. Or, maybe even rebirth.


The world feels splintered in many ways. Jagged, deep schisms exist between all the humans on this planet. Tower of Babel is right. Why? Why are we all yelling at each other? Why are we all trying to control each other? What are we attempting to accomplish? It should be Wisdom, Trust, and Truth. Instead, it's a bunch of DISses.... DIS-respect for each other, DIS-ease, DIS-trust, and DIS-connect.

We have the responsibility to repair this world, that is why we are here. In what ways do we contribute to the betterment of this universe? It can be anything as small as rescuing the wayward spider or lizard, and putting it back outside where it belongs, to flying halfway across the world to help in the repair of a child's deformity, to being an honest business person and helping people procure whatever it is they need to get along in their lives. We all give something back as thanks for the gift of life. Perhaps, our contribution is something we can focus on. What we give of our energy and time, which ultimately is a finite quantity, so we'd better give it all we've got.

Come to peace about ourselves. Find what makes us want to get up in the morning. Come to terms with what we can change, and what we have to leave alone. What compromises are ok to make, and which ones are just way too depersonalizing, and making a choice to do what is right.

Thank you, Batya, for your courage, your joy, and your love. You are missed very much. Your memory is truly a blessing.

Connecting with Wholeness

This week, I'm thinking about how I make this world a better place. As Jewish people, we are obligated to repair the world; how we carry that out is our contribution to the universe, and our gift from God.

How we serve, and repair the world, connects us to each other in many ways, shapes, and patterns. We connect with other living beings in our lives, whether in cyber space or in the physical world, in our roles as partner, worker, child/parent, friend, etc. Each of these connections teaches us about a different facet of ourselves. How we respond to each other also tells us if we are being honest with ourselves and each other. That is, do we embrace opportunities, or do we make excuses? Are we being whole and unified? Are we living a life with integrity? Are we treating each other respectfully? Do we treat ourselves with respect?

In the Talmud, it is said that "Because of me the universe was created." What is it about you that is so unique that only you can offer it to the universe? Do you offer this gift with your whole self, or with a splintered part of yourself? If we can't be honest about ourselves inside us, there is no way we can be honest about ourselves in our relationships to each other. Where inside ourselves do we feel splintered, and can we take the part of our self that is whole to help heal the broken parts? If we can't do it alone, maybe we can find a trusted, objective person to help us. Oftentimes, the hurting part takes up most of our vision, so that it's really difficult to see beyond it to the parts inside us that our whole.

We owe it to ourselves, and the universe, to become as whole as we can, as integrated as we can, in order to give our best self to the wider world. HaShem has given us a most unique gift of life, and we need to be co-creators to take this energy and make a mark upon this world.

Yearning for Simple

A seemingly insignificant event occured today that got me thinking. I was contemplating how to fill up my hot pot with filtered water from the fridge vs. plain water from the faucet. It's a pain to put water in, as the lid doesn't open widely enough to fit under the dispenser in the fridge door. I usually just put it under the tap in the sink. Convenience vs. taking time to put in better quality water. As I contemplated how I wanted to solve this dilemma, I spied my gorgeous, green Majolica flower pitcher. Shopping in an antique store with some old friends, I came around the corner after searching all over to see if there was a treasure to be found. In the glass case at about eye level stood this vision of luscious fecundity. Glowing in its glossy cabbage-green carved surface were gobs of flowers, vines, and leaves, all intertwined. It spoke to me.

I took the pitcher from its high perch in my kitchen. We live where there are earthquakes, so it's asking for trouble to keep it up there, but so far, so good. May we never get one that knocks it out of its aerie. [I send prayers to the victims in Haiti, may the world help them to get back on their feet, and to rebuild a better place to live.] As I gathered water in the vessel, the light went off in my head. A-ha! Here I stand, at this point in history, performing the rather simple task of getting some water to drink. It wasn't always that simple. In some places in the world, it still isn't. Technology has made it so I don't have to go to the well to gather the water I need.

Depending on when humans have existed on this planet, we've had to go from depending upon Mother Nature and the weather for our water and food and shelter, to being able to drive down the street a couple of miles to buy groceries, and stand with a pitcher in one's kitchen to get water. To most of us in the western world, that's the extent of our procuration of food, water, and shelter. The time we have saved on gathering our basic needs allows us to do more with our lives, since we have more time for these pursuits. What do we do with this time that's not spent on ensuring our survival? We make things. Technologically, we have evolved almost faster than we can keep up with. We have made infinite discoveries, invented to make our lives easier, healthier, longer, stronger, and more effortless.

There is a price to be paid, however. If we are so good at finding ways to satisfy our basic needs, why doesn't everyone on the face of the earth have access to these same devices? Why are there people starving in our own cities and countries? If technology has made the growing and purchasing of food, water, and shelter readily available, why are there people who go unfed, thirsty and homeless? Technology has also given us the ability to communicate with nearly everyone on the entire Earth. This grid is a giant web encircling the Earth, connecting anyone who has the means with everyone else. So much information! Supposedly we can know all there is to know, if we take the time to read it all.

Yet, with all this connectivity to each other, something vital is missing. When we once stood at the well collecting our water, we observed our surroundings and each other, and communicated face-to-face with all we encountered. There was a sense of connection that involved more compassion and direct contact than I believe exists in today's world. Perhaps, that is why social networking sites are so important to the masses. Even as technology makes our lives easier, and can often complement our lives, there's a sense that something may be missing. We all miss connecting to one another by the well, sharing what's going on in our lives with those souls who are accompanying us on this journey of life. At this point in history, we can "know" people we may never meet in person, ever. We can have more "friends" online than we have in our day to day lives. I know that's true of myself. In the many ways I am connected to online communities, I have more contacts over the airwaves using the written word instead of visiting with people when I can hear their voices, or better yet, seeing them in front of me.

As thankful as I am for the ability and means to connect with far more people than I will ever physically meet in my lifetime, I also yearn for a simpler time. For time to connect more directly with those around me. For a time when all people will have the means to gather their basic needs within stable, supportive environments, unplagued by wars and terror. For a time when we can use our incredible technological innovations to reach each and every one of us in more direct, compassionate ways.

And now, if you'll excuse me, or better yet - join me - with a cup of tea?

My Midlife Celebration

My husband and I fulfilled a crazy dream we've always had in the back of our minds. We bought a Harley!



It's a "Red Hot Sunglo" Street Glide Trike. THE motorcycle for daring middle-aged people. Imagine a motorized walker souped up a thousand times! Harley Davidson is onto something here, I have to say. It's a perfect entry into the motorcycle world without alot of the hassle. No special license needed, at least in California. And, for a couple of middle aged people with no motorcycle experience, it was just the right machine for us. Harley really needs to market this to the baby boomers who are ready to do something different with their leisure time.


As we both have some degree of wanderlust, we've always thought about getting a bike, but I was always too terrified to get on something with only 2 wheels that went really fast. I have a hard enough time driving a moped! Sunday afternoons early in our marriage were often spent on "mystery tours" when we drove to a general destination with no idea of what we might find, and would always be delighted by what transpired. We had a power boat for many years and enjoyed it fully, making many life-long friends, and plenty of memories.



Since we moved to the west coast, where we can potentially play nearly every day, we have had no real diversion. Hubby saw a huge group of bikes on a ride this past New Year's day on his daily walk with Charlie, and when he got home, went onto Harley's website to check out this trike he'd heard about, having seen a couple of them in this group. I toyed with the idea, letting it occupy a portion of my brain for a few days, trying it on to see if it fit. We went to a local dealer last week, and there she was, parked right in front. There was practically a billboard perched over the bike with our name on it, or at least that's how it felt. We spent about an hour there, meeting some of the people who were about to become new friends (but we didn't know that at the time!).



During the week, we kept asking each other if this was the right thing to do. We talked to a good friend who's an expert on Harleys who said to go for it, it would change our lives for the better. The idea grew on us, Harris did more research, and we started bragging to everyone we knew that we'd bought a bike. The momentum built up until by Saturday, he was telling me the countdown to Harley time! I was getting excited, too. And a little nervous.



Father, son, and I were ready at the appointed time on what would normally be a relaxing Sunday. Each had made previous trips to get a helmet fitted, so we were equipped. Insurance card was procured. Methods of payment were at the ready, all systems were go. We spent over 3 hours at the dealership, singing papers, buying t-shirts, shmoozing with some customers and the people who worked there, and of course learning how to operate this half-ton piece of machinery. Its Red Hot Sunglo body, with black leather and shiny chrome, sparkled in the late afternoon sunlight. Lots of people were drawn to it, and at one point, I went to sit on it and claim ownership! We took pictures, even a short video, as Harris learned how to drive it. He even went on the freeway for a taste of the experience, then I got on. With a slightly nervous but very excited wave, we began to drive away, when I suddenly threw my arms in the air and let out a loud whoop!



As we drove around the block a few times, and onto that small stretch of freeway, with the warm engine rumbling beneath me, I felt really free. The wind wasn't whipping my hair, since I had on the aforementioned helmet protecting my brains, but still experienced the feel of the wind and the sun and speed on my new steed. I wanted to go so fast (luckily I wasn't driving!). We drove up into the mountains nearby, but as it started towards sunset, we headed towards home, so excited with the scenery speeding past us. The stereo was blasting out some great music, and I kid you not: Steppenwolf's "Born to be Wild" played on the station we were listening to. That is THE ultimate riding song, and we took it as affirmation that we'd made a very good decision!

Live to Ride, Ride to Live. I get it now!

What's the world coming to?

I can't figure out if it's the universe that's getting back into balance, or it's we as human beings. The pendulum seems to be swinging more widely back and forth these days. I get a visual of a dog madly shaking water off its body. Wild gyrations, fur and water flying everywhere, commingling in a haphazard and chaotic way. Kind of feels like the energy that is existing in the world right now. Powerful forces pulling us apart and pushing us together. My life feels like a non-stop movie that just keeps speeding up, gradually, yet perceptively.

So many splintered people; violence, fear, terror, coloring the way we treat each other. People trying to murder each other in organized, methodical ways. People trying to figure out if we are the true cause of the way the universe's environment is changing. Some people merely trying to keep on in the face of despair, because there's always this hope that the world will repair itself and we can live in relative peace and prosperity. We treat our seniors and children and infirm in mixed ways. Some benefit from good care and plenty of compassion, while others suffer from the worst we have to offer.

What I dislike most about the human-made climate that exists at this point in history is the moralizing and dictating many people have taken on as their role in governing our actions and behavior. Everyone's an expert! Everyone's got the answer and is busy telling everyone else what to think and do. When I read the magazine the vitamin company kindly sends me every few months, I'm told how to tune up my body to its ultimate level for my age. When I tune into the media, I'm told whatever it is someone wants me to know about the current state of the world. When I read or listen to what our elected leaders have to say, I'm told how I am to live my life and how much it will cost me. The "experts" tell me what to weigh, what to eat, what to wear for my body type, what kind of exercises to do to accomplish my goals, how to do anything better, etc. Alot of bias, and infinitely varying viewpoints all purporting to have THE answer. I am not a robot, and can think for myself. I can deem if someone's expert opinion fits in with my worldview and upholds the values and beliefs that serve me. I am open to changing a viewpoint if it makes sense. Much in today's world does not make sense.


If we truly had this existence thing perfected, we would be experiencing a cooperative exchange of energy with each other. That is certainly far from the truth of where we are as a force on this planet. So much grabbing of power and resources in order to control each other. If we were truly in balance, there would be enough food, water, and shelter for every single living thing that existed, each soul living out its life cycle, and journeying on. Each person existing for self and others, adding his or her imprint to the world in a positive way.


But, that is not the way the universe works. Sometimes, the relative calm is toppled by chaotic forces that are stronger than can be contained and processed, and explosions erupt. There are natural forces that exert themselves in often transformative ways: rockslides, avalanches, blizzards, floods, earthy tremors, you name it. The universe has existed for eons before we existed, and will exist for eons after we are done. To think that we have ultimate control is absurd. I am all for not squandering the bountiful gifts of this place we call home, but let's be reasonable and think with sound mind, and be self-responsible. Let's teach each other how to do what needs to be done to fulfill our basic needs. Let's treat each other with respect for each other's existence. Let's not think that we have all the answers, and push them on each other. We have to walk a mile in another's shoes to know what they are experiencing, and we need to open up the ear within our hearts to hear what they are really saying. No more yelling, no more prosyletizing, no more moralizing, no more killing. Let's just treating each other with dignity and respect.



Maybe that's how we change the world.

To Resolute or Not?

It's been nearly a year since I decided to go public with my writing, and formed this blog. It was easy to keep up with it, posting regular installments on all number of topics. Then, summer came. My life exploded, but in a good way. A very busy summer dotted with visitors, travel, a surprise party celebrating a major birthday, and the various day to day events that refused to ebb into a slower pace. I went public with my creative undertakings, putting photos of my mosaic projects online. Yet, everytime I sat down to write, I felt that there wasn't much to say. The words vanished from the ether in my brain, where they'd been swirling around just moments before.

I sat down to start grappling with what it meant to be 50, intending to write something pithy and symbolic. I even received a great book as a guide (Invisible No More: The Secret Lifes of Women Over 50 by Kramer, Fisher, and Peelen) and bought a looseleaf notebook and paper to begin recording my thoughts on all aspects of this milestone. The problem is, I just don't feel 50. I feel as if I'm 37 with experience. OK, maybe 39 with experience. I feel comfortable with myself, though I'd like to lose some weight (who doesn't). I take no shit from anyone (finally). I know where I stand on issues that are meaningful to me. I am still figuring out what I want to do when I grow up, since it's time to pick something else. But, I don't say these statements because I'm now 50; it's just where I was headed anyways. I'm giving myself permission to be more free and allow others to do the same. So what if we don't agree? I go back and forth from giving too much thought to the political climate of late, to getting sick of all the namecalling and bitterness and going on a "news fast" to save my sanity. I'm not happy where things are these days, but am also too lazy to do anything about it, other than sign a few petitions and write some emails to my elected officials.

So, it's now almost a new year, 2010, which looks really cool when it's written down. Numerologically, it's a "3" year. In Kaballah, it stands for Understanding. Three represents trinities: past/present/future, mother/father/child, birth/life/death, in the Christian faith, it is the father/son/holy spirit. Qualities associated with people who are "3's" are versatile, artistic, witty, energetic, lucky, brilliant, sociable, expansive, frivolous, wasteful, outspoken. Not sure where this will guide us, if at all, but for some folks who swear by this, it does guide them into making better decisions in their lives. Which leads me to the topic at hand: making resolutions.

I prefer to call them Goals to Guide Me. I'm not a big one for the long haul, meaning that I might have some goals that go out a few months, some that might even cover a year, but that's the length of it. Who knows where, or (hopefully) if, I'll be around in 5 years? I'd rather keep that list manageable, that way I can have the satisfaction of crossing things off my list as they are completed! It really comes down to what are my priorities with this time ahead, and what do I want to do with my time? Where are my energies best spent? How much time do I want to devote to certain things, and what about those crazy ass things that just pop out of nowhere, demanding all my time and energy?

When I'm sitting here this time 365 days from now, what do I want to see as I look behind me? I see what I accomplished this past year and am proud of myself, but am not one to rest on my laurels (or my behind). A good friend sent me her goals, and I have to say, some of them were certainly pertinent to me and I asked her if I could "co-opt" them for my own use. Though we are at totally different stages in our lives, some things never change and can always use attention.

How do I want to care for myself this year? What needs tending to? How do I want to care for my surroundings? What inside me needs to be nourished? How do I want to care for others in my circle? What inner qualities need to be brought to the forefront, and what can take a rest? What no longer serves me? How do I best cultivate my current relationships, and am I open to new ones?

When I look around at my garden and see what needs pruning in order to grow and be healthy, I can use that same technique for my self. What can I prune, and where do I cut in order to stimulate growth in a way that is natural and healthy? As I'm tending to the garden, I allow my thoughts to wander to the garden that is within myself.

Will I actually sit down and have a long talk with myself before the new year and write down the goals I want to accomplish this year? Yes. It's a promise to myself. I have one life and I don't want to squander it. My energy is precious and is best not wasted. So, even if you find me sitting around in my garden, I'm not wasting time, I'm pruning my inner soul!

Happy pruning, happy goal-making, happy 2010!

Gan Eden here on Earth?

We all want what's best for humanity: food, shelter, education, work, and family living in a world of peace. But when corrupt power is used to coerce people to act a specified way, freedom ceases to exist. Tyranny abounds. A corrupt few try desperately to control whatever and whomever they can. But, the world is a chaotic and risky place where some of us believe we need to save the world from itself. We attempt to control every possible outcome. We legislate morality, forcing citizens to work for the controlling body (government or religion), rather than the other way round. We have to pay for all the new laws designed to "protect" us.

How arrogant we humans are to believe we know everything there is to know about this universe. And, since our greatest minds have told us that the world is falling, ending, exploding, imploding (take your pick), we are impelled to act, and given no choice but to go along with the falsity. How arrogant we are to think we make such a huge difference in the world.

Each one of us should be vigilant in our actions. Our aim should be the improvement of the world, not as an imposition upon another, but in a harmonious co-existence with All That Is.

This type of world demands genuine respect for self and others. Behavior is impeccably open and honest. One's heart, mind, and soul work together to encourage growth and wisdom.

Isn't this the unalienable right with which we are endowed in this lifetime?

I am angry with the world's so-called leaders. Their power is ill-gotten and horribly, tragically misdirected. Their hearts and minds are twisted, leaving them greedy, ruthless, misguided, and a destroyer of humanity. Their ears and eyes are closed to all but the narrow perspective of their personal agenda. But, their mouths are wide open. Jaws are flapping. The atmosphere is alive and crackling with lies and half-truths.

I'm sad that many people will never achieve their potential. They will die before they have the chance. Their lives will be stolen in one way or another. I'm sad when bad things happen to children, animals, and our wise elders. We do need to tend to those beings who are unable to defend themselves from the harsh world. There are ways to do it that encourage the best in people. Most of us will help the world in our unique way when given the opportunity. Of course, there are always going to be the bullies and the nasties, which screws it up for the rest of us.

If we could all just get out of our own and each other's way, the world would be a much better place.

Gratitude

I'm filled with gratitude for today. Can you say that every day? So often, some of us forget to do that. We take our lives for granted. Yet, as I creep up to a milestone birthday, it seems I am contemplating more fully what that means. I find myself gazing at the obits in the paper, observing how old the people are when they had enough of this place and make the journey to the next place. A new friend I've made here is my son's age (22), and her mother -her best friend- suddenly and tragically died. We don't know how much time we have here on earth, with our loved ones, in this wild and crazy place we call home. That's why it helps to be grateful for at least one thing each day, as it eases some of the pain and suffering of our soul's growth. It also reminds us most poignantly of Ha Shem's love for us.



We just never know how things will turn out, and when we greet each day with a sense of "Yirah" or Awe/Fear, we hope and pray for the best, and our prayers are usually answered. Even in tragedy, we need to find what is good, or we will be bitter for the rest of our lives. And with only one chance at this go-round, we cheat our souls if we don't give it all we've got.



May your week be warm, opening, and full of shining moments.

A collision of the generations

These last several weeks have been chock full of family and friendly connections. Last night, we hosted a welcome-home/congrats party for our son, with our closest friends, after spending time with family the weekend before. These folks have become our west coast family. Many common threads intertwine us. It's a blessing and a gift to have discovered each other, and I'm overjoyed that our web continues to grow.

It was the first party to enjoy the new garden. I got to show it off, and I realized that I must really be putting down my roots here, finally. Not that it's been easy, but this garden makes a statement for me and to me. It is symbolic in what elements it contains. My "Best of California" Garden has 2 aspects to it: a drought-tolerant , tough scrubbiness that's also airy and light; plus a lush, tropical shady feminine fullness. Lots of textures and colorful flowers, loved by all flying creatures. It's great to be able to support nature with my efforts, which are also pleasing to the humans (and dogs) in the crowd. Butterfly bush, Desert Willow, wild sage, manzanita, sugar bush, jasmine (3 kinds!), succulents, bamboo, Princess Flower, to name a few enticing items in my garden. It's been a fun process where I've learned alot, and have made some new connections. I don't think my husband realizes how happy this space makes me!

During one of the many stimulating conversations that I savor from last night, the visiting sister of a friend mentioned an encounter with Locality Astrology. From what I understand, when one superimposes his/her Natal Chart upon a Chart of the World, one can discover the best place to live, where s/he will blossom the most. This knowledge motivated this woman and her husband to move across the world. How many of us are ready to do that? What if circumstances mean that you will end up in a place that isn't quite ideal, how will that affect you? It's intriguing and could be a real tool for self-development.

All these events mark my place in the world right now: I feel keenly the pull of my child and my parents, which gets me feeling a bit uncertain, and asking questions about how I can best contribute to the world for this next phase of my life. I'm making my way through this thing called life, hopefully revealing more and more of my soul to myself and the world. I take to my heart many sad things in the world; the cracks, the closed places, the dead and dark places. I'm just searching for a way of healing. A novel approach that will allow me to be an effective guide to others into their own hearts and souls.

As my own journey continues, my son's journey is superimposed upon me and my husband. Our families of origin also superimpose themselves upon us. I've noticed that as we age, the body's limitations become crystal clear. Our weakened defenses break down, forcing us to pause and take a break. Or, certain body parts don't work as well as they used to, so pain or discomfort is a more constant presence. Things take longer to heal, and may not heal completely. I'm experiencing this within my own body, and seeing how the process further affects my parents' generation. This realization can be a difficult and painful part of life.

It brings to my mind snippets of information I heard the last few days regarding the state of Washington allowing euthanasia. Very powerful and risky. Frankly, I'm not black and white on that issue. Lots of conflicting emotions and questions. Life and death decisions are grave and serious, and are not taken lightly by the people involved, no matter what the talking heads are spewing. Would our country actually take over this decision-making process? Really? Believing that it's for our own good? Or, would the government get out of the way and allow the states to form their own accords, based on their uniqueness? What works for someone in Vermont, might not be the way for someone else in Texas, for example. Areas draw certain kinds of people to them: the rough and tough gritty New Yorker, the no-nonsense New Englander, the laid back and relaxed West Coaster, the friendly and conservative Midwesterner. Certain values are held up more highly than others, depending upon where one lives. When most folks are given the choice as to whether or not to do the right thing, they take the higher road.

These experiences are a reminder that we are here for but one go-round. We'd better make it good, and have no regrets upon death. Otherwise, some belief systems posit that we come back again to further hone the rough edges. Another facet of the soul is polished, which can be hard work, yet contain many rewards. There has to be a reward for the suffering and pain, lest our lives become empty and embittered. No matter where you are in your generational pull, promise that you will be as open-minded and open-hearted as you can be in the moment.

Go Forth, and May the Force be with You.