I Love You, Mom

I Love You, Mom.
It's difficult for me to know if you still know who I am. If you know who you were in this lifetime, and why you have loved ones still around you, helping to ease you into this rite of passage. I wonder if there is still a part of you that fully recalls the faces of your daughters and your husband, makes the connection in your heart, and that still continues to convey pleasure for you. You were the most patient of mothers, kind and sweet, and so happy to be a mother to us. You were a positive role model to your daughters in the way you raised us. You tempered dad's short-fused outbursts with radiant sunshine, like a perfect rose-kissed June summer day.

Hot, fiery tears have fallen upon my pillow in the last few years, sobs have wracked my world. I've sadly said farewell to the mom I knew. You've slowly slipped away from us. You look like Sandra. Your eyes are still that deep doe-brown. But those eyes aren't always seeing what is there. The tangled brain is twisting it into unrecognizable form. Hazy, impermanent. But, sometimes, I think I see a spark. That you're still in there. Still with us in a conscious way. But, like an ember on a breezy night, the spark brightens and then it's extinguished. Poof. Gone. But, you were with us for a brief moment.

I treasure those moments. They are becoming more rare. It occurs to me that there is still one thing that will always connect with you, no matter if you know who anyone is or not, and that is LOVE. You can feel safe and comforted and be taken care of until you take your last breath. As heart-wrenching as it is to see you drift away from us, we can shower you with love when we are with you, so that you'll feel at peace.

I love you, mom.

A mind body conflict

Yes, it's been a long time coming. I apologize for my lack of contact. It's been very busy!

This photo was taken in early April in a small town outside of Seoul, Korea. The Mothers are in the middle of the photo, then the Fathers, and then the Children. We were celebrating our families uniting by the sacrament of our childrens' marriage. Korean style! It was a trip will we never forget. Engulfed in their culture through the food and and the rich history and our daughter-in-law's loving family, we look forward to our next trip.

Surprisingly, my body did very well keeping up, for the most part. My body and I don't always seem to agree on everything. I'm an expert at falling without killing myself, so far, but that doesn't mean I still don't sustain some bodily injury. I think falling last winter tweaked my right hip area, and I'm dealing with the consequences. Owie. Staying physically active seems to get a bit more challenging each year I'm blessed with life. But, I keep at it. Better to deal with the pain and discomfort because I'm using the muscles, rather than wasting away and becoming a lump. Oy, the vessels for our souls are indeed fragile and not always reliably healthy.

Moving here from the east coast eight years ago has had a profound affect on my life. There is a great deal that I miss not living where it's green with old forests and stone walls. Where precipitation of any form is usually something that happens on a regular basis. It's gotten to the point where I actually crave the sound of rain so much, I downloaded an app that lets me enjoy the sound of "free" water in its many forms, and that seems to calm me down. Even though the weather is just short of Paradise, it is still really dry. The overcast marine layer is welcomed, at least by me. Dry in one sense of the word, yet still humid enough to make my closet smell like a musty basement! I miss "home" although this place is very slowly becoming that. Except that I'm entertaining the idea of being cremated when the time comes and scattering my ashes on both coasts.

At least my mind is staying rather active. I love learning new things. I'm still in school, and will be for the rest of my life. This time, it's to gather knowledge about the green world. The world of Flora, of plants, and gardens, and how to nurture them. What began as curiosity and wanting to know about what grows here, has bloomed and blossomed into a real serious interest. Not sure where I am headed, but there have been some noteworthy guides along the way.

So, there's been this concept that has been floating around me for the last several years, and it finally seems to be taking recognizable shape. I'll call it "Flora" for now... like a new daughter. A concept centering around the Roles of Teacher, Healer, Guide, and Woman of the Earth, kind of like the Empress in the Tarot. Expanding upon my work in Connecticut, but in an entirely new shape and form. Focusing on the Health of the Soil, to Improve the Health of the Plants, and of all Life that is in that Space. Making a Sanctuary; a Space where Sacred Healing can take place. TLC for Your Garden and You. There will be more to follow, I promise!

While I've been busy attending class, and meeting new people, expanding my network, and starting to make a name for myself, I've had this gnawing and annoying pest in the back of my mind. Nothing physical (not that I'm aware of anything there), but more on a spiritual, soul-ful level. As in: will I have enough time to do everything I want to do? Can my body and mind keep up? Will they?

Sex is already a joke. Why aren't people honest about that fact of life?? Things happen to one's body that certainly affects how something so pleasurable isn't always as much fun as it used to be! I never heard Dr. Ruth really talk about that. I miss those days of old when the body could pretty much do whatever it wanted, and there were fewer consequences! Now the notion of You Gonna Play, You are Gonna Pay really gets driven home. Taking a couple of days to get over a hangover makes it not worth drinking so much. Even if it feels good while you're doing it. I can't sit for long. I can't stand for long. I can't walk miles and miles. Kneeling is fun. Not looking like a laughingstock as I try to get up is a challenge. I laugh at myself as I get up in the morning. At least I'm getting up, though.

The path lies ahead. May we all be blessed with as much time as we need to say what we came here to say, to do what we came here to do, and to share as much of our love as we can.

Solstice Sunset

All week, I've been thinking about those poor babies and the caring women from Newtown who gave their lives so suddenly, and I have cried for them many times. Instead of reading or watching the news, I've taken a break, more or less. Letting the emotions arise and just observing them. Feeling so achingly sad for the parents and siblings and family members of those who died. And feeling immensely grateful that my son got to grow up and make a life for himself (and now with his new wife).

Today, I saw an article about the murderer. He was so brilliant, it seemed he was beyond the spoken word.

Until last week. He screamed volumes then.

These precious little children and women, whose energy has been stolen from our realm; they no longer have a voice.

Whatever was going on in this family's home, we may never know the extent of it. It is difficult to feel compassion for him. But, something really awful must have been going on inside him, for him to carry out this horrible murder against innocent and defenseless victims. His action is reverberating into the universe.

I live in a relatively stable country. I don't have bombs and artillery affecting my life in some dire, routine way. Yet, it seems that more people are taking more lives in more violent ways (there was yet another shooting today that killed 4 people). For a country that is so civilized and intelligent and advanced, we still treat our children and elderly and the infirm in some pretty despicable ways. And, then there are these senseless acts of violence.... No matter how advanced our knowledge and development, it seems that we can never escape evil's influence in our lives.

Our only counter-force is to bring in more light, more healing, greater peace, and more gratitude. To open our hearts wider. Let us pray for all the families who have suffered from having a loved one taken too suddenly. Let us pray for hearts to be soothed, and for souls to be comforted. Let us pray for courage and strength, and for trust and peace.

May your week be brilliant. Shabbat shalom.   (this photo was taken as I walked to my car after work. as I entered the outside from where I'd been cooped up all day, the brilliant colors of the solstice sunset were turned up to "high impact." later, at home, I noticed a ring around the moon, signaling a change in the weather. B"H, creation is a blessing to be witnessed and treasured.)