A Half Century of Life Experience

In the age of the universe, fifty years is a crumb of a crumb of a crumb of time. In the age of a human, it is more significant. Some folks never make it this far. What I want to know is how did I arrive here so quickly? Emotionally, spiritually, and mentally, have I accumulated enough wisdom to show for 50 years?


Now, physically, that's a different story. There are mornings I awaken and feel twice my age! Getting a personal trainer to work out with first thing Monday mornings sets my week up in a positive way. Sure, the old bod doesn't move as quickly or lithely as it used to, and it takes longer to get going in the morning. If I hurt myself, it takes a little longer to heal. Where I could get all juiced up just thinking about sex, that part takes a little longer to get going, too. At least I'm avoiding the hot flashes, so far. My gynecologist says my cervix is still pink, still vibrant, still pre-menopausal. Oh, joy. My periods stopped ten years ago after a procedure that left everything intact, but made it so I wouldn't have to suffer the horrible pains of menstruation (it saved my life and my marriage). The only way to know I'm in menopause is not cessation of bleeding, as is customary, but observing the other changes that may accompany this next phase of my life. Not having to deal with the crazy periods makes this aging thing a little easier, I think! For once, the cyclical nature of being female will not cause me angst.


But what I cannot stand is receiving mail from AARP. I'm going to send it back to them, telling them they can stick it where the sun doesn't shine, and take me off your list, thank you very much! And, all the so-called experts advising me that now I'm 50, I have to do all these things or I'm going to die. Like, tomorrow. Though I'm taking those vitamins, and having some of those invasive tests, it is even of more dire consequence to do all those things, and quickly. OK, I've scheduled my first colonoscopy in a couple of weeks. If all goes well, that's it for 10 years. Check that off my list. Keep an eye on my weight.... why do the pounds creep up when I'm eating less? And why do men not have it as difficult? Why do I have to look older than I feel? Gravity is not such a great thing when everything heads south. I see a much slimmer person in my mind's eye than looks back at me in the mirror. One of these days, maybe I'll just realize and accept that fact, but not yet. My face is nice. I like the softness of it, sculpted by the wrinkles around my eyes. Several years ago, I did a self-portrait. Mind you, I'm no artist, but I have to say it came really close to illustrating the woman I saw inside myself. It seemed to show my inner strength and serenity.


I think I'm most afraid of this: losing my vitality. I have to get through my head that vitality isn't always due to physical energy or prowess, but more to an inner light and vibrancy. It means staying elastic and flexible, even if the body isn't always cooperative. It means keeping my brain alert by reading, learning, and constant stimulation.



In my mid-30's, I had my "dark night of the soul" and dove to the depths of my inner self. I cast off any beliefs that no longer had any use, and adopted new ones that made sense. It was a long, painful, but ultimately satisfying journey. Perhaps that is why I don't feel any huge push to go through that all over again at this point in my life. The invitation to that journey seems to be knocking on the door at 50...and it isn't Avon calling! It seems that the part of me that's looking for a challenge will need to find it somewhere else.


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The previous paragraphs were begun nearly two years ago, on 09/09/09, just after I celebrated my half-century mark. My husband, son, younger sister and girlfriend plotted and planned this incredible celebration 3 weeks before my birthday and it was a night I will always remember. Set upon the cliffs of Dana Point overlooking the Pacific Ocean on a perfectly gorgeous mid-summer evening, we were graced with a magnificent sunset. Family and friends gathered round, supping and laughing and sharing many delightful moments. On my actual birthday, which occurred on Labor Day weekend, we had a huge party and saluted the just-past-full moon with tequila shots. The next morning, I could not sleep in. The painter was coming to work on a space where he required entrance to the house. I had to let him in, though I felt as if I were still drunk. I think I was, but I went to the gym to work out with my trainer. Was I nuts? I don't know about that, but it was one of my best workouts, other than the fact that about halfway through, my trainer noticed an odd odor emanating from me.... I was sweating tequila. It was a scent that wasn't entirely disgusting, but not entirely pleasant either. Makes for a funny memory.


Since then, I've gone back to school, this time for horticulture. Finally, I have some idea what grows around here. The non-descript yard we originally inhabited nearly 6 years ago has blossomed into an unmanicured but mostly tidy refuge for hummingbirds, lizards, beetles, finches, and even rats. It's a bit overgrown in spots, and there are plants looking to take over the house, but it's cozy with an awesome view. I've made it our own Precious Oasis. I enjoy spending many hours weeding, puttering, planning, trimming, composting. This year, we aquired a patio heater, but haven't used it much. We're hardly ever home. So much to explore around here, places to go, food to eat, people to be with. Yes, I do miss cooking, but I'm not overly fond of my kitchen. In fact, on one of our motorcycle trips, I stumbled upon a cute wooden sign that said "I have a kitchen because it came with the house." Everyone who sees it hanging in aforementioned kitchen gets a good laugh from it.


Back to an institution of higher learning, for my mind. And becoming the Bitch on the Back, for my marriage. Last year, we bought a Harley Davidson Trike. Even got a vanity plate that says, "R TRIKE" as a play on our last name. It gives us something to do together. My body doesn't appreciate it very much, so I have to limit my time, but I love feeling the wind in my face, and going to new places. We've met some nice people, too. They might look like grizzled ex-hippies, but they are down to earth and alot of fun.


Some great things have happened in the last couple of years. Our son met a lovely woman, thanks to his dad who fixed them up. We may be aquiring a daughter by marriage, though it feels that way already. She is fun to be with, intelligent, very caring, and she keeps up with our crazy family. I knew the moment we met that she was the one. Unless my son reads this, he doesn't know that I know that. But, it doesn't matter, because he knows that. We all figure it's a done-deal, or at least we wish for it to happen. They are a great pair. She's brings out the best in him, sides of him I hoped were there, but didn't always experience. He is a gentleman. He is funny. He is motivated. His father and I are humbled by and proud of his accomplishments.


My son's career has provided me with a means of employment that may not be my ideal, but it's serving many needs right now. Depending on my progess with my studies, I hope to be able to take advantage of ever-increasing opportunities to work in a horticultural setting. That foundation and network will be the impetus for launching Precious Oasis in the next several years, in whatever form it will take. At some point, the balance will swing more towards that direction and it will be time to move on. I don't have a lot of time left, so I have to get moving.


In the last 2 years, my parents have undergone dramatic changes. Dad is the stronger one, both physically and mentally. Every time I've seen my mom, she has become more gaunt, and her mind is changing. It's sad, because there's alot of life left to share, and we have limited opportunities. I feel like we're going to miss out on these last years together. Living so far apart, it's not easy making the trip, but I go when I can. It adds up to less than 2-3 weeks a year. I'm not at peace with that. The other part of the frustrating equation is not being there to help out one of my sisters, who lives close to them and is always the one to step in at a moment's notice. How will I know it's time to spend less time working, more time with them, and change my trajectory once again? I am blessed, so overly blessed with the fact that my spouse makes a great living, and I am free to pursue my interests.


I'm also not at peace with possibly losing my faculties in 20-25 years, so I am doing what I can to stay active in mind and body. My husband lets me rest, grudgingly. He has "schpilkis" which is Yiddish for ENERGY. He's like the Eveready Rabbit. In our family, we call it "Schmekkies" which is the term my son coined when he was younger. But, he is determined to keep me young and active for as long as possible. I, too, am determined. I joined a great gym. Took up light jogging. Went back on an eating plan we used 15 years ago where I lost some serious weight. It's one way to keep things lubricated. I've learned one bit of wisdom in 50 years: you don't use it, you most certainly will lose it. It's a great strategy for getting rid of some things, like outworn beliefs. When you just stop thinking about something, it vanishes from your life. When you neglect to pay attention to some things, they fall away, and other, more important things take their place.


I used to be involved in a great quantity of spiritual endeavors, healing work, and passing on of knowledge. That has all taken an extended hiatus. But, I've also gotten involved in other new areas and have gleaned rewards from those experiences. Perhaps it will come full circle, but in a different form than I am familiar with. It's already happening, if I count my sorely-neglected blog. A little more discipline might be necessary. I've had a difficult time finding something I'm passionate about doing, maybe that's why discipline has become a dirty word for me. Hey, I am fairly regular about exercise, I realize that it's an important priority in my life. And, I am going back to school to hone an area of interest. I think back on all the things I've spent time learning and doing in my life: taking sax lessons and playing in a band, all my craft knowledge using various media, getting a masters degree, opening a private practice and getting involved in the community, and being a mom and wife. All have honed my soul and introduced me to incredible people and events.


I sometimes refer to myself as a spoiled bitch. I am most certainly spoiled, but I don't see myself as a mean-spirited, ungrateful, uncaring female. At least, not most of the time. I do have my moments. Blame it on the female maturation cycle that is coursing through my body in its various forms. I'm not always proud of my behavior, so this moodiness tends not to be welcomed with open arms. However, in the words of my deepest heart, I am truly blessed and grateful to be where I am today, surrounded with love, opportunity, and plenty of laughter. I don't want the show to end.

Gaining a bit of perspective on the 2nd half (or so) of life, until we meet again, may you be graced with moments of comfort, wisdom, and the giggles. In spirit....

Another Year Bites the Dust.... (soon)

This is an amazing sunrise viewed outside my back door. One thing about living in coastal California that I have come to appreciate is the weather. Specifically, the stormy weather we sometimes receive, and its aftereffects. This last week was such a storm, a record-setter in fact. I don't have official numbers, but I think we got as much rain in a week as we normally get in a year. Back east, this would be something that happens practically every weekend!

The roads here are basically storm drains. They channel water away from hillsides and structures. If anyone saw video from Laguna Beach, you know of what I write. The muddy run-off water from Laguna Canyon was running straight down the main drags into the ocean, stronger than the waves coming in off the Pacific. Roads built for this purpose are not ones to be driven upon, but that is what Californians do. How else will they get to work, and in this case, being the week before Christmas, to the malls? I, myself, had a couple of torturous experiences in California traffic this week. But, with all that behind me, it's time to move on.

The good thing about rain is that it provides us with free water. I shut off my irrigation system about two months ago. Not that I use much water in the first place. In addition to the free stuff falling from the sky, we also get these incredible cloud formations. When the sun rises or sets, the sky produces the perfect canvas for Mother Nature's sculptured paintings. Their constantly changing form and colors will leave you awe-inspired, amazed, and totally thankful for your life.

There is a curious phenomemon out here that I have viewed, and also have participated in. It is taking pictures of the sunset. Clouds make the resulting picture more artistically composed, in my opinion, as they give the photo depth, height, and interest. Sure, the sun setting over Catalina Island does look nifty in a clear sky, but a photo taken with more varied and ever-changing colors and shapes adds a sense of uniqueness and a feeling of "I'll never see this again, it's a special moment." However, viewing a sunrise takes preparation or maybe some luck. If you have to get up to go to work early in the morning, sunrises are nothing new. If, however, you are not necessarily an early riser and something gets you up before the sun, you have been blessed with a rare opportunity to catch a scene such as that captured above. I have been on retreats where the sunrise was too important to miss, and was always rewarded with a surprise. One year, I saw a deer dancing in a field. Another year, I saw it rise over high desert mountains. Any way it happens, it will get your attention.

As I grow to be ever-inspired by my life out here, I invite you to see what inspires you in your life. As I contemplate the end of another year of my existence at this point in history, I reflect upon the births and deaths that occured this year. Two events that come to mind involve some very close friends that I have had the privilege to come to know since moving here. One couple gave birth earlier this year, the other couple just lost their beloved fur-kid. One a very happy and joyous occasion, and the other one is very sad. My heart fills up when I think of either event, and I realize that I can't have one without the other. I wouldn't know happiness if I didn't know sadness, suffering, and pain. And I wouldn't know sadness if I didn't have the joyous moments that make up my life, too.

For Clara, you are a special girl. May you grow into a beautiful and compassionate woman. For Sundance, you brightened many people's lives and gave much pleasure and laughter. May you find all your friends over the Rainbow Bridge.

Over and out. for now.

Self Reflection

Hitbodedut is the art of looking within one's deepest self, contemplating what is discovered, and continuing on the journey in a state of higher enlightenment. Unlike Narcissus's superficial consideration of his "self," the self-reflection of Hitbodedut goes deeper, into the dark muddiness we carry around inside of us. This "rest stop" along our journey can be fraught with fear, confusion, even shame. We need to summon our courage to peel away those layers to get to the heart of the matter.

In my counseling practice, it was important to provide a safe and non-judgmental place where this often painful process could unfold. That's why it's vitally important that we each do that with our selves when we venture into those mysterious, musty corners. To be non-judgmental and realize that we did the best we could at that moment in time. Hindsight is where we figure out what we could've done better, but that kind of realization only comes with experience, so we can't blame ourselves if we didn't act or think a certain way at a certain time in our lives. If we can make sense of things and come to peace with what's happened in our lives, it can only help us be more "whole" and more integrated. Wiser. To break unhelpful patterns and detrimental ways of thinking about ourselves and the world.

Be kind and gentle with your self this week, and with each other. I know I need to be.

I've known "something" is up, since my body has been sending out all kinds of signals lately. Tonight, as I walked the dog (I desperately needed to get some fresh air, after being cooped up in an office the last 2 days), I felt a nudge which succeeded in pushing me down. Fortunately, it was a gentle nudge, and other than dirty pants, I fell fairly gracefully and don't believe I sustained any extensive injuries. At my age, I know I need to be more careful! I've been nudged several times in my life. Some nudges were more gentle and beautiful--such as when I went walking at sunrise at a retreat many years ago, and stopped to look at distant hills when my head was "re-positioned" by an invisible hand and I witnessed a deer literally cavorting in a field! Other times have been quite painful and I am still suffering from the effects!

So, as I sit down tonight to contemplate what's poking me for attention, I hope you will take some time this week to do some hitbodedut yourself. If you would like an ear, I am available, or just contact a trusted friend or family member. We're all here to help each other, to listen with the "ear" in our h-ear-ts. Shabbat shalom, and my you have moments of light this week.

p.s. in case you're wondering about the photo up top, it's from the elevator of the Standard hotel in New York's West Side, near the new elevated walkway. I was there several weeks ago, and had a blast. I love NY! (not the Yankees, but the city!). If you're there, please check out the new walkway (what a creative way to keep a bit of history and make it totally current for today). As a budding horticulturist, I appreciated the use of grasses and native trees, and the way the whole area comes together harmoniously along with the joy and beauty it gives to the city. The hotel was a kick! A disco pool at the almost-rooftop bar, and baby hot tubs, fake grass and comfy seating up on top. Plus, a killer view of the city and the Statue of Liberty. The place was packed on a hot late-summer Sunday afternoon. The video in the darkened elevator was a sort of acid trippy psychedelically colorful version of Dante's Inferno, constantly playing scenes of the darkness and light of life's events. Perfect for this blog entry!