Self Reflection

Hitbodedut is the art of looking within one's deepest self, contemplating what is discovered, and continuing on the journey in a state of higher enlightenment. Unlike Narcissus's superficial consideration of his "self," the self-reflection of Hitbodedut goes deeper, into the dark muddiness we carry around inside of us. This "rest stop" along our journey can be fraught with fear, confusion, even shame. We need to summon our courage to peel away those layers to get to the heart of the matter.

In my counseling practice, it was important to provide a safe and non-judgmental place where this often painful process could unfold. That's why it's vitally important that we each do that with our selves when we venture into those mysterious, musty corners. To be non-judgmental and realize that we did the best we could at that moment in time. Hindsight is where we figure out what we could've done better, but that kind of realization only comes with experience, so we can't blame ourselves if we didn't act or think a certain way at a certain time in our lives. If we can make sense of things and come to peace with what's happened in our lives, it can only help us be more "whole" and more integrated. Wiser. To break unhelpful patterns and detrimental ways of thinking about ourselves and the world.

Be kind and gentle with your self this week, and with each other. I know I need to be.

I've known "something" is up, since my body has been sending out all kinds of signals lately. Tonight, as I walked the dog (I desperately needed to get some fresh air, after being cooped up in an office the last 2 days), I felt a nudge which succeeded in pushing me down. Fortunately, it was a gentle nudge, and other than dirty pants, I fell fairly gracefully and don't believe I sustained any extensive injuries. At my age, I know I need to be more careful! I've been nudged several times in my life. Some nudges were more gentle and beautiful--such as when I went walking at sunrise at a retreat many years ago, and stopped to look at distant hills when my head was "re-positioned" by an invisible hand and I witnessed a deer literally cavorting in a field! Other times have been quite painful and I am still suffering from the effects!

So, as I sit down tonight to contemplate what's poking me for attention, I hope you will take some time this week to do some hitbodedut yourself. If you would like an ear, I am available, or just contact a trusted friend or family member. We're all here to help each other, to listen with the "ear" in our h-ear-ts. Shabbat shalom, and my you have moments of light this week.

p.s. in case you're wondering about the photo up top, it's from the elevator of the Standard hotel in New York's West Side, near the new elevated walkway. I was there several weeks ago, and had a blast. I love NY! (not the Yankees, but the city!). If you're there, please check out the new walkway (what a creative way to keep a bit of history and make it totally current for today). As a budding horticulturist, I appreciated the use of grasses and native trees, and the way the whole area comes together harmoniously along with the joy and beauty it gives to the city. The hotel was a kick! A disco pool at the almost-rooftop bar, and baby hot tubs, fake grass and comfy seating up on top. Plus, a killer view of the city and the Statue of Liberty. The place was packed on a hot late-summer Sunday afternoon. The video in the darkened elevator was a sort of acid trippy psychedelically colorful version of Dante's Inferno, constantly playing scenes of the darkness and light of life's events. Perfect for this blog entry!

So Happy It's Friday....

When you feel ready to crack, what do you do? Where do you go? How do your actions help you understand the patterns in your life? Do you react to stress in effective ways? Or do you let it build up until you explode with rage/pain/anger/sadness/distrust/imbalance? When do you know you're getting close to the boiling point? Do you take steps to alleviate the pressure? If not, what happens to get you into that TNT-moment?

In many ways, we are being pulled in so many different directions. We multi-task, we are over-involved with the world around us (think media overdose), and we don't give ourselves the permission to take a break. To enjoy a slow meal with the family. To talk about the day with each other, to laugh with each other. We don't give ourselves quiet time to think, or read a nice book, or make something with our hands. Or tend a garden. No wonder why time feels as if it is spinning too quickly.

This week, please take some time for yourself, if you don't already do that. Take just 5 minutes a day, all to yourself. Go sit outside and listen to the birds, enjoying a drink of water, or tea. or wine. whatever works for you. Inhale, exhale, slowly filling your body with air. Give yourself permission to let go for just a little while. Explore every one of your senses, and observe what you sense. That's all. Just five minutes.

Hello, is anybody out there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it's been 3 months. Had lots of stuff wandering through my synapses, but nothing that prodded me to sit and write it here. Part of that stemming from old insecurities and that damn incessant audio tape that tells me over and over that no one pays attention to what I have to say, and even if they do, is what I say really helpful?

Of course, we all have a valid voice, that's what I tell myself to counteract and disprove my old worn-out belief. I know that what I say matters. We all need a pat on the back now and then, not so much from others (though that is encouraging), but from ourselves. Most of us are too hard on ourselves, yours truly included. We forget that we are each a sacred being, and all part of a wider universe. All our energies are connected and interdependent. In Kaballah, since we all contain a piece of the Sacred Essence, which also contains a piece of each of us, we truly are all connected.

If that is the case, why are we all trying to destroy each other and the places in which we live?

Why do we interfere with the order of things with our "seemingly superior" intelligence?

What makes us think and act as if we own this world, and can "control" and understand everything about it?

Why are we all so arrogant about who should have control over the "lesser ones"? Each group believes they have The Answer. But, every solution has a higher price to be paid by certain segments in our society. The most powerful have the most money, the loudest voices, the most influence. There's always going to be someone on top, subjugating those below.

How do we truly and honestly "teach a person to fish?" Our culture has changed. Intsead of taking the time to pass on certain skills to empower others, we just give shit out. We encourage weakness and dependence, and we disable the best in each other. People don't have a chance to realize what they can do to improve their lives. We take the easy way out. Except, we lose something in the process. We lose the connection to each other. We used to know our neighbors. We used to be able to leave our doors unlocked. The world was less life-threatening in many ways.

Sure, we didn't have the technology to deal with lots of things: disease, illness, ways of getting more things done with greater efficiency. And we didn't have instant communication with people across the world. While these developments have certainly taken us out of the "dark ages" and is certainly a testament to our creativity and brain power, there is a huge price to be paid in terms of our survivability as a species.

We are more callous with each other. Instead of seeing each other face to face, we face a computer screen. It's alot different when we can watch each other's expressions and see our effect on each other. We don't have as much respect, or responsibility. People are "victimized" and need/are entitled to some sort of "compensation" for their "pain". Some of these cases are truly tragic: children are molested and/or killed, animals and elderly are tortured, the list of assaults is long. What sane group of supposedly superior beings kills their own kind? Disrespects elders? Assaults those who cannot defend themselves? Animals do that... and we're supposed to be stewards of this universe? WTF???

I know this sounds negative and discouraging, because when I witness the lack of compassion and its effects on each other, it makes me mad. It spurs me into action to do something good. Give someone a hug, a smile, say a kind word or two. I do my best to pass on something of beauty rather than something of destruction. Not that I don't swear at the stupid driver that almost hit me, calling him/her some manner of unfavorable and uncomplimentary names... if only we would all just pay more attention to what is going on around us in the moment, maybe there would be less pain in the world... and fewer stupid drivers.